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Afternoon Nap

It is an unusually bright 
afternoon.
Sun goes right through
 all the bare branches 
and through the roofs.

It fills up my room
with dancing particles of dust.
I am back from the forest
still breathing hard;
my cheeks burn.

I saw a half-frozen creek
surrounded by white ornament 
of half-melted snow, and ducks 
busily burrowing into the silt
heads down, showing
their butts and tips of the wings.

Birds, symbols of freedom,
dig in the mud softened by spring
are the only thing that is real.

What am I doing here,
sitting in this cozy room
a checkered blanket on my lap,
a cat curled near
purring loudly, happy to return
from its own wanders
in my neighbor's backyard?

I ask,
What am I doing here?
In the bright room mirrors
are gleaming and silver sparks.
Doors multiply into tunnels,
arches and parallel lines,
with darkness blinking within,
out of reach.
My cat is purring enticing hymns
to long winter evenings.

I deserve my rest.
Hell with all the unsolved questions
and unfair perspectives.
What was lived is had been lived. 
I fall into a deep afternoon sleep.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Once again you have provided a magic touch in your own inimitable way while letting the poem craft by itself through some kind of internal mechanism which transforms imagination and vision into words...great job....

as for the title i am not sure because the poem walks the reader through the events preceding the afternoon nap / siesta....having said that you may be able to tell us why you feel it is appropriate..i am just sharing my thoughts...

much love and regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hello, my friend. I think you right about the name. I should have thought about better one. I am still thinking.

IRiz

author comment

may be you will find a better title during an afternoon nap or soon thereafter...i will watch out for what you come up with...if i come up with something i will suggest for sure...anyways the poem is a good read..

regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

How about these titles:-

Two Way Glass
Watching Through My Window Pane

Regards..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Deep. Let me think about it.

IRiz

author comment

And wonder where the hell you are at, And I love this about your poem. Questioning, almost as a right, with the furrowing dark and cold outside, foreign to this soil, your place in the world. Only two things, you could easily condense the first two stanzas into one, and the birds as symbols of freedom, love it, but try something like:

Birds, that wing free of the dig mud,
Softened by spring..

Only my suggestion, not your words at all. Just my take, a suggestion - a softening. I do love this piece, keep going.

Take care,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

I love your interpretation and suggestions, thank you for reading and giving me your unique perspective.
It is sweet and flattering to see reflection of my words in the mirror of your poetic mind. The way it transformed and still persists to be self. Best wishes, Irene.

IRiz

author comment

I have recorded this, which gives you another perspective:

https://soundcloud.com/user528181418/afternoon-nap-by-iriz-neopoet

You don't have to use it if you don't like it, but if you do, then we'll stick it up on in the NP Homepage. Cool!

Cheers,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

I absolutely love it, I think you added your own
dimention to it. Thank you.

IRiz

author comment

I love the way you moved from the external influences, to internal, and then to the internal thoughts of the author. Very smooth almost melodic with the purr of the cat. Thank you and now I think I will have a nap. Who cares if it is still morning?

Thank you for reading. I have this soothing effect on people sometimes. But you on the other hand make me smile.

IRiz

author comment

I read your piece and listened to the voice recording.
To me there were spaces that seemed to need filling, I know this would make the poem a lot longer.
There it would give a fuller picture of what was going on.
Being out and about seeing things as winter struggled to hold on, there a whole world, but to me from the two view points one from your room, the other out there where you had been walking or running.
Two poems one of raw weather, and effects the other of sitting there blanket on lap drinking the moment of the suns reflection or its struggle to pierce the trees, the dust dancing in your room, where the mirrors tried to hold the glow.
Visions of a moment in time.
"dig in the mud soften by spring" this line needs to be softened lol.
I loved all you have done I am just giving you a wider lens to see.
Love to you as always and great to walk with you,
I shall need a Zimmer frame if we have to go out again ,
Yours Ian..xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Okay next time I will add more soft flaff
but if you fall asleep before finishing my poem
Who will comment?

IRiz

author comment

your poetry just flows like the MISSISSIPPI
that's why I like it
have a nap along the flowing river
life is a flowing river
it often meanders
many times it corners into edges
as if one is wanting naps's
like you also do
poetry flows within and from you.
How do you so do
me too

I think the most important part
that makes me want to write
Is obvious to many fact
that life is gone before you know it
To catch the moment
like a moth
Make sure do not crash it
To preserve it
Under the magnifing glass
Dissect its fibers
And its beating heart
I am an evil poet
With scalpel and worn down journal
Ha ha ha
I am joking

IRiz

author comment

all the bare branches
through the leafy roofs.

leafy may give a bit more clarity
and the and may be evaporated

also
in my neighbor's backyard?
is a Qs mark needed
I'd put ellipses...

(And its beating heart
I am an evil poet
With scalpel and worn down journal)

Ha ha ha
I am joking*

MOODIFIED.....
I THOUGHT you did not like it,
no response

Modified?
What was modified?
Sorry I didn't catch it.
Check out my entry to Neopoet forum. What do you think? I am seriously considering 2-3-4 structure is a great approach to structuring short poems in English.

IRiz

author comment

*====must be joking part
hope it's clear now OK

Yes thank you
It is

IRiz

author comment

Nothing like the tiredness after a walk in the forest. Then the afternoon nap which sneaks up and fuzzes thoughts just prior to sleep. Now a few typos : S-1, L-5. I'm uncertain about this but should the sun shine through your roof? Of course you might be talking about the forset canopy in which care please ignore this . S-3, Line 1. Creek not creeck, S-4, L-2 softened not soften, S-4, L-3 birds "are" not "is", Hope that's not too harsh. Now that next to last line. At first read I thought it being kinda jumbled was a problem but I read it again and realized it was that way on purpose. Mirroring the way thoughts jumble just as sleep grabs us. Enjoyed the poem...........stan

Dear Stan,
Thank you for your attentive eye.
Correcting everything.

IRiz

author comment

are most welcome. I know I appreciate it when others point out my typos and other errors

Iriz is a Russian lady
where the is and are's are different
than as in ENGLISH

LOL

addressed the issue of through the roofs, I will start with the halfs-. Two halfs so close together, kind makes one blink, like one had jumped back to the same line again. Maybe try [melting] snow? I think I understand the next to last line; "What was lived, is had been lived", but would like to see it a bit clearer. Like maybe, "What was done, is done". I know it is a bit cliche, but at least more readily understandable. ~ Geezer.
.

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Sounds good, you addressed the issues I have chosen to be the way they are. I was thinking about them.
The choice may not be ideal, that is why you picked them. I am still waiting antil the poem cools off so I can see it better. Thank you for your comment and of course for your thoughtful and tastefull approach to my poetry

IRiz

author comment

One of the highest achievements, to say so much in a plainly understated way.
Not sure about
"Birds, symbols of freedom,
dig in the mud softened by spring". It could be a tad heavy handed, perhaps lightened by changing dig to digging.

I realised on listening that I made a small change to the text. It was an accident but I like it, see what you think.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s1yAuCLo2DgU

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes except Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Thank you for your kind words!
Your recording is great . I noticed your change. Lovely instead of loudly feels more rhythmic.

IRiz

author comment
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