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An African Wild Wind

thunder-storm
from the sea
crept into
the market-square

an infestation
of locusts
eating everything
in it's madness

now you see
nude dirty kids
with naked soles
parading
on glass-chips
and thistle

women with
dangling breasts
youths in akimbo
relishing the storm

you planted
a tree of memory
in our hearts

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
The poem uses symbols to demonstrate the adverse effect of colonialism in Africa and the agony it has thrown the African economy into.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I have played with your words and from your first Sunku I have made three that conform to the 2-3-4 count that is the basic, this may give you an over view of the form, hope you don't mind:-

Storm clouds
Rush inland
Market square fear

A storm
As locust
Scatters our day

Madness
Spears my heart
We all just flee
2..
Dirty
naked soles
See the kids there

Walking
on glass-chips
and thistle thorns,

women
dangling breasts,
Youths statue like
3..
A storm
Fear and faith
Planted inside

Holding
in our hearts
a tree of life.

Mama
And Papa
You are my home.

Your words are fine and the theme is great, just me playing .. My syllable count was not so good, but have rectified the problem..
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Hello thank you for submitting a megaSUNKU
Have you tried to switch from our hearts to my heart?
It makes the poem sound more personally and invites to relate to the words more.

I love the imagery.
I could see the poem unrolling, smell the road dust lifted by the first drops of water, hear excited voices
Don't shorten it. Keep the poem.
Write another one.
Btw maybe kids are marching not parading?
Parade to me is a bit too structured.
Thank you for bringing in my travel memories.

IRiz

Creates a universe, paints a picture, leaves us with a beautiful image among startling raw images.

I would change the title. I do not think that Japanese syllable poetry form allows us to experience what your poem has done in form and substance. I wouldn't change a word. (I would add a period after the word storm.)
..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thanks for your comment, It's done. U r actually one of my Role Models...

Hommies

author comment

The form has been settled. 3 stanzas 2/3/4 syllables per line.

You are a rebel who hates rules and forms and that is just a cliche.
Write a real sunku.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Overall, editing too much of the piece will remove specifics. When a poem is said to be written in a given syllable or meter, I find out not all lines make it home with the concept, even professional poems alter meter and lines just to insert the required effect and keep the plot. There is no penalty sacrificing few lines for the good of the entire piece... I'll re-edit though hope you read the final version... Thanks!

Hommies

author comment

I have revised the piece I put on as a Sunku for your write now the syllable count is fine, hope you have a go at writing one for us here we need a variety of inputs.
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

this is a very fine piece of poetry and your imagery carries your message very effectively.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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