Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Affirmed (feedback workshop)

Affirmed

the now departed
turned into then
yesterday ticks into
a distant when

once so fresh
now obsolete
ideas of mine
I shan't delete

I thought them through
as I have stated
I refuse to see them
with death now slated

for by whose rule
was it debated
that good ideas
devolve to dated

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Sorry, it is 16 lines long instead of 15. I hope that one line over won't upset anyone.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Fun poem. At first I thought it was going to deal with how ephemeral "now" is but the last verse clarified it to decry the short shelf life of good ideas..Now a few ideas :
L-2 try and became when.......gives a better feel of the change being beyond control
L-3 try yesterday tics into...........maybe a better feel of time passing
S-2,L-4 this seems pretty forced. I leave it to you to better convey your meaning
last line maybe change dated to outdated?
But these ideas are only that. This was a good poem.....or is.......or will be? lol.............stan

I have incorporated some of your most excellent ideas into the editing of this poem.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

the ' now ' departed
turned into ' then '
yesterday becomes
a remote ' when '

once so fresh
now so obsolete
ideas of mine
I won't delete...may be (shan't) perhaps

I thought them through
as I have stated..........(already) stated
I refuse to see them
as a death now slated

for by whose rule
was it debated
that good ideas
(become dated?..).have now been outdated

'''''''''Only my views
could be simply washed away
with a tear shed
to be donated by me '''''

loved

Your suggestions are most appreciated. It was very kind of you to offer them up. I have changed won't to shan't! Thanks for reading!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I can't believe my eyes
that won't has been ostracised ,
I thank you Cat
for the surprise prize.

loved

the concept of time always intrigues me
and this write is a great questioning of the ‘dating’ of everything..

I wouldn’t change a word of
the "now" departed
turned into "then"
yesterday becomes
a remote "when"
but I would take out the quotation marks…. they seem to take one’s attention away from the words
just imo

‘as a death now slated’ just seems a little awkward (to me I stress)
perhaps you might think of
‘with death now slated’ ?

and
‘become dated’
this line seems a little short to my ear
also you have used ‘become’ in the first stanza
can I suggest something like
‘devolve to dated’ ?

as I said I really like the concept behind this write
time is a very interesting entity and I have written much on it myself

I love the rhythm
and the rhyme scheme is great
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I have used some of your suggestions. They are much appreciated!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I always appreciate your comments. Thanks for reading!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

who listens
and
then says
Hark Who?
You!

we all are at the abyss of creativity
and
the monstrosity of minds
does overwhelm
and
in spurts of natural volition ...poets vomit ...what their inner's churn
and
we all poets... from others' experiences
do and must /ought to learn

loved

hello Cat
I think I am left with nothing to suggest .
I really liked the opening stanza
as well as the theme..I thought it is amazing !!

I only thought of making your 4 line stanzas in couplets but think it is only me ,
I really like it the way you did.

P.S..Sorry I am late. I was occupied with that sonnet to be submitted before I am
too late.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Don't worry about being late. I was late to yours as well. Sometimes things (like life) get in the way of our good intentions. Thank you for your critique!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Thank You for reading and leaving a comment :)

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

love the edit
- maybe it needs a question mark at the end?

this is a great read
i enjoyed seeing how it evolved
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you for coming back to read my changes. I appreciate you.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Line 1 has the word now, not new... do you teill think I should change it to newly?
Line 9 I will work on... it is a tough one, lol.

Thanks for your feedback.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.