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From Afar

From Afar
I see your soft white hair,
billow around your face,
an outline for your features
baby soft skin,
that shows not a line nor wrinkle,belying a true age.
slender in staure.
so full of life, with a childish smile
Baby blue eyes,that hold a world of sadness,
how were you left without your senses?
who were you? before the war took it's toll.
So many questions will go unanswered,for I can only watch you from afar.

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Comments

loved to hear just a line about why you can only watch from afar. It does make me wonder, as some poetry is wont to do, but...
~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

there could be many reasons use your imagination. As you know I am not one to give people all of the answers thank you for stopping by.

Chrys

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author comment

using the old imagination. If you don't want to tell, okay. Not a serious flaw, just a bit curious. Nice work! Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

you set up a scene, and the word craft is there . Perhaps I would drop "belying a true age" as too redundant.
I've often read a good poem should leave you both full, and hungry for more at the same time. I feel your poem does not have enough on the plate, I'm too hungry, unsatisfied.
I don't know when or how the idea that a poem should be overly vague began, leaving to the reader to use imagination to fill in the narrative. To me that is often a cop out. As I once heard from a great teacher "if the poet can't explain the poem, don't expect anyone else to" . As a reader, if i leave a poem with an empty feeling of depending too much on me to fill in the blanks, it does not resonate. All the greatest poems in all the languages I know have both a completed narrative or idea and at the same time expands with meaning. This poem asks us to expand the narrative. That's the poets job. the readers job is not to complete the poem, but to feel the metaphors, the symbols...or as far back as Aristotle said, "poetic truth".
There are also two ways to view poetry. That the writer has an idea to express and attempts to do that through poetry and is successful if the basic idea is communicated. The other is it doesn't matter what the reader gets out of the poem, whatever he gets is valid. The intent by the writer has no value. I prefer the first. I think a poem can be both specific (here by telling the reader your relationship to this corpse) and at the same time expand into meanings and feelings unsaid.

Every poet can and should have their own aesthetic. There is no right or wrong of course, But i would ask you to consider the idea of not giving readers ALL the answers, but at the same time not depending on them to guess without some clues. Without that, to me, the poem loses its messages. And that matters.
...
..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

for your insightful comments the answer is the titleit is merely a study of a person I saw in passing from time to timeobservation

Chrys

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author comment

to Eumoplus for being eloquent enough in his statement to get what I couldn't. Thank you both, for the question and the answer. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I don't mind if I can't quite grasp a poem. It can be tantalising. One thing really jars for me in this though. "baby soft skin" and "I see your soft white hair," imply a tactile association and it is at odds with the entire distance the rest of the poem creates, a distance unto death.
From a visual aesthetic, which counts, I would break "Baby blue eyes,that hold a world of sadness, how were you left without your senses?" into two lines thereby adding to the power of the last line.
What do you think?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

yes I know this person and have contacted with same will fix what you have suggested

Chrys

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author comment

never offer critique by PM you would not offer on the poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

thanks for the read and comment . I believe I answered the who in one of my responses

Chrys

check out our chat room open to all 24/7

author comment

lol yes I have he was a resident here and has since left ah well

Chrys

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author comment

This I think is the heart of this poem. It could be an actual shooting war or the war we all wage against time. In either event there are many who are left with wounds both seen and unseen. I could go on but don't want my comment to possibly lead others to alter their own interpretation of this poem.....stan

would love to gear more In this case it was an actual war

Chrys

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author comment

How is it that anyone doesn't know the difference between its and it's? I really despair at the state of education in whichever place you live. And why not check simple typos before publishing? I really feel you should take evening classes to improve your English, And your punctuation is ABYSMAL. Before trying to run (in poetry) a writer should surely learn to walk first (in prose). Sorry to be so critical but...a little bit of checking and proof-reading wouldn't come amiss. Oh dear, oh dearie me
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xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

your could offer critique rather than pedantry.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I fail to see how helpfully pointing out significant grammatical/word misuse/spelling errors is "pedantry". Additionally, any further criticism I might have to make about the piece itself might be interpreted by the writer as rude and would be ignored anyway. So I didn't make any, although I am tempted to point out that "baby blue eyes" is just about as clichéd as one can get - think back 38 years to the Elton John song, among many others.
.
Cheers
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

It's just a different style to what I'm used to and I have no right to critique your critique.
Again, I apologise.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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