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Acid

Submitted by lou on Wed, 2010-11-10 05:05

The words burn, acid on my toungue.
i open my mouth to scream ,
nothing will come.

Mute cries for salvation,
etched in a pained expression.
Eroding my senses.

Struggling against the tide,
drowning in you.
gulping stagnant air.

Obscure muttering, inaudible insanity.
Shadowy whispered tones
asphyxiate mortality .

In stasis, praying for the end.
Tortured psyche,
transcending hell, scant hold on reality.

All is nothingness ,
a swirling mass,
within purgatory.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Comments

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-11-10 09:54

Lou

Lou,

this is really well written and my only fault is it is too short, I could have read another ten more stanza's.

Great imagery and the silence trapping the words and emotions inside is well crafted.

If I should change anything it would simply be the order of the third stanza to:

Struggling against the tide
Drowning in you
Crumbling inside (although crumbling doesn't really go with drowning, so maybe 'suffocating')

My reason behind the order change is simply that in your version the person has drowned and then struggles against the tide, whereas, normally (although I haven't drowned recently myself), I would hav ethought you'd struggle against the tide and then drown.

Anyway, I loved this piece and would have given it 4.5 stars and nomination to spotlight.

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Wed, 2010-11-10 12:45

HS

your right it makes better sense now. ( Can i haee that half a star ?) lol

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-11-10 14:14

Lou

Lou,

I have considered your request for the half a star and have to deny it. I will require at least four more stanza's first!!

Lol!

Since you made the slight change I will up my stars to 4.75...that's the best I can do!!

Lol!

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Wed, 2010-11-10 16:00

HS

you are so strict lol

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-11-10 17:15

Lou

Lou,

I have learnt the art of being strict from the editor of the Neopoet Newsletter...you should meet her...she's a tough one I can tell you!

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Thu, 2010-11-11 01:49

HS

Yes get back to work !! Lol

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2010-11-11 07:25

yeah sorry!

yeah sorry boss...was that two sugars in your coffee and do you want that foot massage now or later?

HS (your humble and terribly underpaid assistant)

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Thu, 2010-11-11 09:21

Underpaid ?

What makes you think your getting paid ?

lol

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

judyanne

Wed, 2010-11-10 12:54

awesome write lou

i really felt the helplessness and despair
and like dan - my fault that i want more....

love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

lou

Wed, 2010-11-10 16:06

Judy

thank you , ill give writing extra verses some thought.

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

judyanne

Wed, 2010-11-10 16:56

i wouldn't if i were you

in this case less is best...
love
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

ziggy

Wed, 2010-11-10 12:57

hi

well lou this is a good read maybe a little short
or are you leaving us wanting more lol
what dan pointed out is good as i see it
the only other word i'd look at is the very first word
"(the) words burn like acid"
those words burn like,,,,,,,,,,,,
just a thought I might be wrong
a good strong write which I always like ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs x

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

lou

Wed, 2010-11-10 16:08