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above the law

Submitted by Simon on Fri, 2018-04-20 05:43

If the bees can’t sting
Within their wax
How can they attack outside?
If a snake can’t swallow a dead rat
What about a flying bat?
The lion has shed tears
When a rabbit intruded his territory.

A tilapia had been drank off the ocean
And the sharks are desperate
The hawk has taken away the food
From the eagle and flew freely.

The throne had been invaded by unknown slave
The crown was snatched by the air
A tongue had been bitten by the teeth
When there was food in the mouth
How can they protect us
If the mace and the laws can’t be guarded
There is a crack on the wall.

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
this poem has portray the corruptions in the country,the contradiction within the three whole arms of government and it seems some people has immunity to commit crime and walk freely while others are just the experiment to the law.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2018-04-20 09:46

Geezer's picture
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I think it might be helpful if you added a few words on what the subject is about. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Simon

Tue, 2018-04-24 09:41

Simon's picture

precisely it's about corruption in the country,though i just added up the themes.

author comment

Chiori

Fri, 2018-04-20 13:39

Chiori's picture

its a good poem anyway but the theme is hidden i felt little of it in the fifth line of the third stanza.

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

Simon

Tue, 2018-04-24 09:46

Simon's picture

though the theme of this poem has just been added up, well it's about corruption in the country, in the arms of government to be precise

author comment

Eumolpus

Tue, 2018-04-24 11:53

Eumolpus's picture

I don't see enough support of the political allegory. Soyinka and the other engaged poets from the region do create allegories to express their rage, but there is a consistency of image. Like the famous poem " Conversation at Night with a Cockroach"
The images are too abstract to relate to the political and corruption, such as the lion shedding tears when a rabbit enters his space...?
Many of us poets are too concerned with being considered over simplistic so we go in the opposite direction and get too far into an abstraction. I think you can find the balance, but not yet for me in this work.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Simon

Mon, 2018-04-30 08:24

Simon's picture

The lion has shed tears when the rabbit intruded his territory,means the contradiction in the national assembly when thugs entered their chamber toke the mace. even though securities were there but none try stopping them and they got away with it.

author comment

Simon

Mon, 2018-04-30 08:25

Simon's picture

The lion has shed tears when the rabbit intruded his territory,means the contradiction in the national assembly when thugs entered their chamber toke the mace. even though securities were there but none try stopping them and they got away with it.

author comment
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