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4/4

4/4 by RW
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Thump of bass strumming thong string
growling earth shift, tectonic sing
moving pants legs, beating on chest
blood syncopation rise and crest
wet heart beats meet each pluck and ring
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The BANG continues, living thing
the crowd bows to an aural king
sweat drops traverse a heaving breast
Thump of bass boom
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The pulse of thrum meets tendon's ping
a large, dark bird unfurls wing
the dance floor has become its nest
the moistened crowd is swallowed blessed
all eyes wondering what will bring
Thump of bass boom

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
It's Rondeau form. It just isn't syncopating, There is just something wrong with it. Something isn't flowing correctly. It seems clever rather than erudite. I'd also like to know if it makes any coherent sense to others.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I much appreciate you taking your time to have a look at this, and it was very much a relief to me. I'm so elated that you connected with what I was doing so effortlessly. I recognize rondeau is a tough form for linearity to begin with, that's the challenge of it. But your understanding is spot on. You caught me on the rhythmic 3/4-4/4 debate. As fast as we played, a stutter or 8/32nd notes trilled would make up for anything. As a bassist, I knew how to find the groove and stay there. Thanks Mark. I'm anxious to see what others have to say

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Thanks Kelsey (I hope I have permission to use your name, I am Ron),

I appreciate your ensightfulness with this work, I've put a lot of time, craft, hair-pulling, etc. into getting what I want from it. The imagery, energy, and metaphor I don't know how to improve upon. I am quiite happy with them. I guess the best way to say it is to go with the obscurity. I am a horror fan and there is a particular Italian film from the 70s called Suspiria. It recieves widespread critical acclaim and the fans swarm it like ants. None of this changes the fact that the screenplay makes no sense. It is a movie you fall headlong through rather than process intellectually. I guess what I am trying to do with 4/4 is to blow out the feelings of what it's like to be in a band when it's cookin' and the audience is soaking you with energy or when I reach that trance state where I close my eyes and I fuse with my bass and my band effortlessly. It's transcendent. I don't feel I've done that with this piece, though one comment on here so far suggests Mark got it all the way. It's this feeling that this poem doesn't translate the electric that leaves it a near miss in my eyes. Thanks!

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Honestly Lonnie, it's not often seen anywhere...hehe. I sought it out. Thanks for the kind statements about the theme, imagery, and rhythm. Thanks for the great welcome and I sure will try to keep up the good work.

By the way, I'm having a chat/improv mix on Wednesday June 13th from 9-11 PM. I'd love to see you there!

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

You will discover quickly that we are grossly outnumbered by free versers (not that it's a bad thing). Structured poetry doesn't always play well here at NeoPoet, but as a minority our lives are improving.
I suppose I didn't like it much because it "felt" like free verse. There is a lack of coherency periodically throughout, but I don't see it as a flaw. Your movie explains that well.
Esker is one of the most talented writers I've ever come across and I seldom understand what the hell he's talking about (something I've mentioned to him). The energy is still there.
I have written but one Rondeau (not posted here) and it is terribly sedate in comparison.
Okay, so maybe I did like it after all.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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jumped like one of those old eight milli films
but thats okay
Like veryone else here it didnt veer me from
the pulse of this one

I may study more structured poetry now on
and try to write something rather then free verse

thank you

I appreciate it greatly. Rondeau is almost the exact point where form meets freestyle. I work with it when I do as an excercise in precision more than anything else.

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

do me a favor and look up "paradelle". I wrote one. You will never see it, but I wrote one. I'm still being treated for it and the prognosis is not good.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Hi Wesley,
I wrote a sestina once and had to spend a couple years in an ashram.

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Yes, I'm right. A chorus of Angels. Gods but the sound is lovely.
Seriously (quite seriously) I await this advent.
One of my favorite poets and structured western poetry... well.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I remember someone teaching me banjo chords
a thousand rolls to a chord to get intuitive

how many poems freestyle before I got Into it
intuitive

many many many

I can see how precision can be accomplished
like engineering
form through function

science from fiction

thank You

Esker,
You speak my language. I wrote (and still write) freestyle poetry when the richochet of an idea needs out. After awhile though (probably through some poetry writing class) I began trying to put the idea(s) into form to make myself a more precise writer across the board. When it comes to choosing form or no form, I will quote Peter Weller as William Lee (William S. Burroughs) in Cronenberg's NAKED LUNCH film :"Exterminate all rational thought, that is the conclusion I have come to".

I can't really tell if you are saying that you're going to give a form poem a try or if you're raising the flag for freestyle. If the former, it's a great complement that a piece of mine had such an effect on you, if the latter, more power to you. Many of my favorite poets showed only freestyle poetry.

I enjoy talking to you, there's talking and there is ingaging conversation.

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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