Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

• War and Crime •

There was a country
Where the sun often smiles,
Where peace and unity reigns,
Where hope leads the people to a great future,
But something happened one day.
And it started from our home
That the sun could not beam its face with smiles again.
It disappeared and reappeared in a black garment.
Now the peace and unity has taken to their shells, like the wise tortoise.

Some gunmen came to our place
To eat our flesh like vultures
And to suck our blood like a vampire.
They torture men like slaves of the ages past.
They blast our sky reaching buildings with bombs,
So many walls fell down flat to the ground
Like the walls of Jericho.

This made the people, who once had great hope, hopeless.
For blood spilled the innocent child cried.
Even the stream water, we drink, turns red.
When men voted to vanish,
Our bodies are burnt charcoal.
And we cannot be gathered back, like firewood, anymore.
But we are only blowing in the wind, like dust and ashes.
This day has been like the fateful day of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

if you combine some of your lines and smooth the thoughts so they flow together better, you will get the results you are looking for.

Like this:
There was a country
Where the sun often smiled
Where peace and unity reigned
Where hope lead to a great future

But something happened one day
We started fighting among ourselves
Now the sun no longer shines
Peace and unity have hidden tortoise-like

~ Geezer.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.