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• Song of peace •

Let's put guns and bombs on silent like our cellphones.
If you never reckon a call, remove the battery and keep off it.

Let's vibrate not the Earth and heart with sour music of bullets.
Let not our mother tongues spring ambush in our lands.
Let's gather and drink from one cup.

Let us learn not to stone birds in the sky.
Let's learn to swim like fish in the same pond.
Let skin color be no crisis among ourselves.

Let's learn to join hands together and lift a canopy,
and learning to be under an umbrella, in sun and rain.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

but some love allergy
fight with something something
boosts their egos
narcissists

Thanks, ma'am.

Collins

author comment

Just a few little crits, I like the poem and it is, idealistic, but it also shouldn't be out of reach for the world!
You don't need the word [at] in your second line; just: if you never reckon a call, remove the battery and keep off it.

Let's not vibrate the Earth...
Let us learn not to stone birds...
Let's not vibrate the Earth...
Let skin color be no crisis among us...
learning to be under an umbrella in the sun and rain

All in all, I like the tone and you have a good work here. ~Geezer.
.

Come to Chat on the Darkside
every other Saturday night 8pm to ?
Bring your dark and delicious work
to show.

Thanks, I have done the editing. Go for re- read of the poem.

Collins

author comment

This style of repetitive device works well here. But that first line about cellphones... doesn't fit the prosaic images that follow ( in truth it feels a bit hollow ).
Good ideas. Good luck with it. As Auden said, poetry changes nothing. But we say it anyway .

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you, dad. Help look through the poem, again.

Collins

author comment
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