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• School Boys •

Submitted by Umeh Collins Ebube on Tue, 2020-03-03 00:50

In uniform, we dress and trek to school;
School bags we back like baby, doing big boys on the street;
Our sandals and shoes imprint marks on the sandy path we pass.
Scorching sun boil our skin to sweat;
Our heads run for rain to hide under roof or tree:
After the cloud's tears dry, we come together like ants and go to our hill.

Our parents fetch firewood from farm to sell and fend for us.
We break kernel with stone and soak water with 'garri' to sip daily.

All we hope for is life, for our stars still watch us from black sky.
Our dreams will dance to the beat of 'suffer no more'
on one bright morning where our spoon and plate will change with our dining table.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Wed, 2020-03-04 21:29

Geezer's picture
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of this work, it's just a little too much of your language and not enough English. Oh, the words are English, but the pattern of it isn't. I know that English is one of the hardest languages to learn and I'm not surprised that you have some difficulty.
Try this:
Dressed in our uniforms, we trek to school
We pack our school bags like babies
But on the street, we are big boys
Our shoes and sandals mark the sandy paths
Scorching sun, our skin does sweat

I won't rewrite the whole thing for you, but I think that you can see how to form the sentences. Think about how they are put together. I really like the poem, it just needs to be streamlined and put together for the English reader. Take your time and you will find the way. ~ Geezer.
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