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Οn your way
Going down
Don’t come around
Just a ghost town
Shut your eyes
Ignore the sound
Plastic funhouse
Always said
You knew this
From the start
Ride or die
Won’t ever break
My heart
But now
Your on
Your way
Hear you have
a new past
That’s ok
The flame
Would burn out
Either way
You are
Better
With out me
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2023-03-26 18:49
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
/10
The poem "Οn your way" captures the emotions of a person who has been left behind by someone they loved. The use of short, choppy lines and simple language gives the poem a sense of urgency and rawness. The repetition of "Your way" in the final line adds a poignant touch to the theme of letting go.
However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved. The first two lines feel abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the poem. A smoother transition into the main theme would enhance the flow of the piece. Additionally, the line "Plastic funhouse" feels out of place and could be replaced with a more cohesive image.
One suggested line edit would be to replace "Plastic funhouse" with "Empty promises" to better align with the theme of broken trust and disappointment in the relationship. This change would also provide a stronger image for the reader to connect with.
Overall, "Οn your way" captures the emotions of heartbreak and moving on with simple yet effective language, but could benefit from some minor adjustments to improve the flow of the piece.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Mon, 2023-03-27 00:04
I think the line...
about plastic playhouse doesn't really jell and provide a cohesive thought behind the lines. "Of empty promises" would work very well here. A typo, with [your instead of you're] in the lines:
"But now
[You're] on
Your way"
I think everyone missed that! ~ Geezer.
.
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spiro
Mon, 2023-03-27 21:56
Feedback
Thank you all for the constructive feedback
Spiro
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Fri, 2023-03-31 18:03
I think everyone covered the typos
I liked the imagery created. The short lines have a nice timed delivery that reads like an interwoven collection of still frame images.
Nice job
Tim