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Is it my lucky day?

Submitted by Rula on Wed, 2012-06-27 00:33

Is it my lucky day?

That's at least
what others
might say
when they see
me
locked in
you.

They didn't know
that when you held
my heart there
you promised
to keep it free
for me,
but
on the contrary,
you locked me in,
and you went,
you left,
and you never said
if 'tis my lucky day!

Comments

judyanne

Thu, 2012-06-28 11:47

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can't crit anything here rula
except maybe the last line
imho, the beginning, although great, and i wouldn't suggest you change that, somehow spoils the thought of the last line, as we have already read it...

i actually think it would work better if you dropped the last line entirely and finish with
'and you never said'

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rula

Tue, 2012-07-10 04:48

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dear juddy..I too like the suggestion and shall give it a thought at least for my
future writings ,if any...:)

Thanks

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

loved

Thu, 2012-06-28 11:52

loved's picture

some within
some without
and
the lover who promises,
but falls out
its a doubt whether he too can
safely freely live without

loved

Rula

Tue, 2012-07-10 04:49

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Thank you loved.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

Ian.T

Tue, 2012-07-10 10:45

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The others have said near all there is to say, and this is a good write, Judy picked up the last two lines:-

and you never said
if 'tis my lucky day!

Something like:-

You never told me
It (was/is) my lucky day...
See you soon and keep writing, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-07-10 11:25

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I enjoyed your poem on posessiveness. and it made me a little sad. If you were to change the last two lines, would you consider these as an alternative:

and keeping your own counsel...
you never said a word

always, Cat

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