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I need none, but you...

I need none, but you….

If I write my life on ice,
I’m sure you’d melt my heart.
Should I choose another time
I fear you’d move the sun.
And if my lyrics are off cue,
could you accompany my desire.
For now this life of mine’s a duel,
between your music of ice and fire.

Don’t tame your shrew, I love all you are,
though hurt too the bone can she.
When her untamed angry heart rages,
shrewd am i to quench her thirst.
And if per chance she’d fall in love,
I shall strive to be her first.

No consequence a love like this,
all chattering fools are asking.
A man so cowed is not of worth,
what honour does he accrue?
If In their foul light I’m to bask,
borne this price, i share a life with you.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
It's almost real...
Editing stage: 

Comments

Thank you for your kind words, i have had a heavy day at work . So i will sleep on what you have said, again i thank you. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

hi there this is some read I really liked reading this aloud
"If I write my life on ice,
I’m sure you’d melt my heart.
Should I choose another time
I fear you’d move the sun.",,,,,those are my fav lines
my only crit is the ending ,,,,,,,I will return to this again ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Thank you i am glad you enjoyed this poem, i will sleep on your suggestions and look at it with fresh eyes in the morning, Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

I enjoyed reading this but have a few ideas anyway lol :
L-7 change dual to duet
L-8 omit comma
L-11 seems it would be better if rearranged. maybe something like : Raging is her inflamed angry heart
L-15 delete of
L-19 their instead of they're
L-20 change I to to
just a few ideas to take or leave..............scribbler

As above I say many thanks for your time and your help, i will sleep on this and have another look in the morning. Thank you. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

I thank you though you may have mistaken me for someone else, he he it's hard to remember with so many poets here. I have been guilty of this myself so it makes me feel better. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

I am pleased that you have raised the bar on Neopoet with this poem.

Truly you have. And I thought I was finished with critiquing for a while, my energy wasn't there until I read you.

"Don't tame your shrew". (why capital?)

none... rather than non?

duel rather than dual?

Thank you Roscoe from the bottom of my thawing heart.

~A

p.s. i needs to be capitalized in the last line, and did you mean to or too (also) in L-10

(Reminder to myself--pay better attention!)

Wow, i am really honored by such a critique as this, thank you so very much. Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

I thank you for your time and your comments, Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Thank you for your comments Rosi, and your suggestions. I'm going to let it run for a while, and see what i think about it in a few days from now. But i always appreciate the help you give... Love Roscoe....

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Sorry Rosi I don't know why my reply finished at the bottom of this column, Apologies Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Again i say wow, And again i say that i feel so very honoured to receive such fine words as these. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

I can't thank you enough for your time and comments, i will think about what your saying. I just think it helps the title. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment
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