Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Workshop Exercise

Poem 1
I don't think there is a boy
who doesn't crave a brand new toy
and will use whatever ploy
to gain the toy he will enjoy

Poem 2
If on arriving at work later
you find your work-load that much greater
you may consider driving straighter
than a frustrated restaurant waiter
or a seriously drunken skater.

Poem 3
For a thought I'd give you a bright new penny
for another I might give you twenty
but I doubt I'll have to give you any
for when it comes to thoughts aplenty
I don't think you have that many.

Poem 4
You may think corporations are unspeakable,
their executives unconscionable,
but multi-nationals will never be breakable,
or their odious behaviour changeable,
as long as politicians remain incapable
of staying away from their accounts payable.

I assumed you wanted poems, and not just lists.
I deliberately did not use any dictionaries or thesauruses, I wanted to stretch!
Interesting, how rhyme sharpens humor.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

They all have a natural smoothness when read
aloud. The first one is cliche in content and rhyme,
but you know that. The second, not cliche and even
sort of fun to read aloud. The third one, I like the best,
maybe it's the content (it fits many I know, lol), and the
fourth, great content, strong in meaning and, well, I thought
damn good.

Heehee...I started with the last one, worked it up, and got seriously depressed!
Then I wrote the others, just for fun.
I think I like this rhyming stuff.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

One poem does seem to build upon both rhyme and scheme onto the next one then the next one and then the last one, eh Jim?

Cool.

~A

unconscionable spell-check

Wrote the last one first! But yeah, each one does seem to run into the other - which I suspect is due to Jess's evil little manipulations in the background!
Heehee, I'm just kidding.

unconscionable - spell checked OK, thanks.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Uh oh, the Glaswegian lady knows me too well!
heehee
Thanks Rosi, I changed the spelling.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

You have taken an exercise and forged a poem from it, using all the elements I asked for.

Now roll your trouser legs up!
[weirdelf gets out his bee stamp and stamps each of jim's knees]
There you go! Now you're the bees-knees!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Jesus Jess, now I can't wear shorts!
heehee!
Thanks man.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Thank for enjoying my effort! Yes, rhyme does make them jump, which I guess is the point of using rhyme.
You know, I'm enjoying this workshop so much, I don't really care where its going, you know?
I'm just learning a bunch of stuff I didn't know!
Thanks again,

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

i thought all five poems was good. Each poem is seperate from the other and gives it's own meaning.
The assonance rhymes flow well where I notice them in each poem
The ending rhymes are clear and not forced
I noticed a couple other rhymes that I am not able to critique but they are teaching me more and more about rhymes I am not familiar with yet, but have faith i will be after this well informed workshop.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry ~American Renga~ Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

Hi, it's been a little while, hasn't it?
Thank you very much for enjoying my efforts. As for criticizing, well, lol, you are a poet; this means you QUALIFY to critique mine, or anyone else's work!
heehee.

Concerning assonance and consonance...I was good for the first part of the exercise, but had to struggle with the consonance because normally I use aliteration, with the first letters or sounds of words needing to be the same. This time, I had to put the like-sounding letters actually IN the words, and not at their beginning!

Glad that you enjoyed these poems, Barbara.
And I like your pic...makes me wish I was sitting on the steps relaxing (RELAXING LOL!), iced tea in hand!
Thanks again.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Number three is my personal favorite. It is amazing to me that when I start thinking in rhyme, so many "thoughts" follow. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I think you're right, that in a certain way rhyme helps to collect and order thoughts. It also makes it easier to remember a poem too, I think.
LOL #3 is my favorite, as well.
Thanks

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

i agree learning to rhyme sharpens the thinking. I can now rhyme with a little more ease that before joining. :-)

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry ~American Renga~ Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

i agree learning to rhyme sharpens the thinking. I can now rhyme with a little more ease that before joining. :-)

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry ~American Renga~ Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

The final draft I do for all of my poems is memorization. Having the thing in your head and reciting it over and over multiple times really points out some of the more hidden stupid stuff. Aaaannd...the rhyming makes memorization much easier. Weird. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

i thought this poem to be a rhyme refreshment after a second read
I trip a couple of times but realize I was pronouncing a couple of words wrong. After rereading it flow well bringing back the meaning with clarity.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry ~American Renga~ Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.