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WORK WITHOUT PAY
Worker and his salaries
Long withheld by employer
Like plant without water
Withers and dies
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
t. reflexion
Wed, 2011-08-03 13:40
Ian.T
I do not know much about haiku. Can you furnish me with historical background of this form of poetry? Thank you and best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-08-01 01:39
I think it needs more.
What happens when the worker withers or goes on strike?
The employer starves too.
cheers,
Jess
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t. reflexion
Wed, 2011-08-03 14:01
Dear Jess
Adding more lines to this piece, I fear, will take away its simplicity which leaves the reader to wonder what happens next. None the less, I came up with three more stanzas to the piece and to ask how you see it. Thank you and best wishes.
WORK WITHOUT PAY
Worker and his salaries
Long withheld by employer
Like plant without water
Withers and dies
--
Withering worker unlike grass
Unites with others for a way out
Seeks strength to take the top brass
In unionism, squares up for a bout
With picketing and strike they demand
For prompt payment and better condition
They also help the business to re-brand
A behest to bigger yield and situation
Where the impudent Shylock refuses
The workforce grinds and so cut short
Then to arbitration court to state abuses
The trade, like ship, remains at the port
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light