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To Where Do You Flee?

I thought it wise to bury her
Where no one else could find.
To hide her body in a place
That each of us once knew,
But to which none of us could
Ever, quite return.

I thought it wise to hide the memories,
The good, the bad and even the violent.
To quench all passions,
To dry our tears and move on.
Never to turn back.

I thought it wise to let her go
Back to the shadows of your thoughts,
And of mine.

Her last words were addressed to me:
"Time, to where do you flee?"

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I wrote this for a contest on allpoetry.com about the poetic device "Point Of View". Do you think I nailed the idea?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I must admit I didn't notice that one. I'm sure I'd love you to help with the editing. I'll go through and see what I can fix.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Yup. I like your ideas. Much better than what I first put out. I'll watch the awkward grammar from now on. Check out the poem to see if the changes make it any better...

Thanks!

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Again, thanks for the help :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Thank you :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Looks like this one was quite great.

Thanks

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

and it starts off smartly with 3 lines in perfect Iambic meter, which sets up an expectation, immediately shattered by the clunky
That we all once did know
Why the contrived grammatic inversion? Don't you think it would read and scan better in plain English?
That we all once knew.
Use you inversion again in
Her last words were, to me addressed:
[Her last words were addressed to me]
and I can't figure out why. Mostly people use those awkward inversions to fit rhyme in, but that's not the case here. Were you trying to sound 'poetical'? I'm afraid it does the opposite.

I think with a little work this could be a solid write, especially if you could maintain the meter of the first 3 lines.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I'v been trying to break that habit of sounding "poetical" by inverting the grammar. True, it disgusts me when I hear it in other's poems, but it still is a part of me. I repent and pray for forgiveness from the gods, (if there are any. lol!)

And I did not realize I used iambic meter in the first three lines. I must confess I usually have trouble counting meters.

A few changes have been made. Good enough?

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

I'll be running another workshop on meter soon. In the meantime you could check out the last one at
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/meter-everyone
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/view/5587
and/or
google poetic meter examples

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

There's my version. I didn't get to read the pre-Rosi poem, so I can't comment on that, but I liked this a lot. I don't care for free verse, so you had to reach a higher bar to get my attention.
As for "point of view"...outrageous. I seriously tripped at the last line.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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I thought it wise to bury
Her where no one else could find;
To hide her body in a place
That we once knew
But to which could
Never quite return.

I thought it wise to hide the memories,
Good and bad and violent as well.
To quench all passions,
To dry our tears
And move on never turning back.

I thought it wise to let her go
Back to the shadows of your thoughts,
And of mine.

Her last words were, to me addressed:
"Time, to where do you flee?"

Think it's any good?

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

see above the title

'View' and 'Revisions'?
Click on revisions to compare directly changes made.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

The revised version is much better, but it's important to notice that none of your original perspectives were lost. Poetry is not only about what we say, but how we say it. Your points, thoughts, ideas were fleshed in the first version, but the second is a better read. What may have happened had Jefferson wrote like an accountant? Would we have been spurred to fight an eight year war? I wonder. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I never quite believed in editing a work, up until now.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

'View' and 'Revisions'?
Click on revisions to compare directly changes made.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I did it Jess. What a cool tool. Revisions blew my mind. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

the evolution of our work.
The mind blowing is a bonus extra.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

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