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What the wind whispers

Love me like it was only yesterday
Hold me as if i am there today
Please god I don't want to fade away
I only want to stay
Watching the flowers in May
But theres nothing I can say
For I died that day
My spirit can't find a place to lay
One by one my respects they pay
Here I must sit listening to her play
The sad song she sings among the hay
Darling, I have found my way
Your song having been the sun ray
to the darkness that it slay
I'm the wind, watch the trees sway
Keep me in your heart and forever I shall stay

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Umm.. yeah I didn't think it was awful but I didn't think it was decent either. what do you guys think?
Editing stage: 

Comments

But continual rhyme seldon fails to be forced and loses content.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Thanks.

author comment

Alice,

good for you, to try something different and use the same rhyme throughout. Not sure it works as some rhymes feel a little forced.

Maybe you should split it into 2 stanza's of 8 lines and change the end-rhymes in one of the stanza's.

Read like a rap, and I didn't think it that bad at all. You said what you wanted to.

How you keeping?

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

Thanks thats a good idea and I've been good. How about you?

author comment

Alice,

stopped being good a long time ago...it is so much more fun!

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

True but new places, new ages, new everything calls for a new attitude

author comment

i liked the theme of the poem which is true to its title..

since i too feel the same way about what others before me have expressed about rhyme...please try and tweak it up..

raj (sublime_ocean)

The content is meaningful and only needs a few stanza breaks and, yes, less rhyme!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I loved the title, the theme and the message. As for the rhyming, personally, I think this is better if written in free verse or, like Jess says, lesser rhyme.

Alid

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