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We Watched

As I stood and watched
tears of blood fell from the Lord's eyes
They fell beyond this world
Beyond my reach
trickling into the darkness of despair

There we stood
lost
gazing upon this rancid world

We watched

We watched innocence wiped away by hate,
poverty and disease
We watched
bloodied women,
dragged screaming into shadows
We watched
governments, bathinng in the foul stench of corruption
just as dreams, were left to fester under society’s cruel gaze

We Watched

We watched families being torn apart
humanity giving their lives for war
We watched
we watched in silence
we watched

Until the sun tore through the blood curdling screams of darkness

We watched

I watched
Tears of hope, fall from the Lords eyes
They cleansed me,
softy soaking into the earth
There we stood,
gazing upon this beautiful world

We watched

We watched mother earth,
lovingly feed humanity on her swollen breasts
We watched
men surrender their arms for a better life
We watched
lovers find freedom,entwined in another's naked flesh

We watched the end of war
the rebirth of peace, of hope
We watched walls falll
and the freedom of mankind

We watched

We watched

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Comments

This is a heavy, powerful piece, filled with horror, despair and redemption. I particularly like what you are trying to do with "We watched", I think its a most excellent and powerful image.

Two thoughts...

First, consider splitting the longer lines into multiple ones. A trick I often use is to read my poem aloud (others here have taught me this!) then whenever I find a natural pause, I split the line I'm on into two lines at that point, with maybe a comma on the end of the first new line. This serves two purposes: it fits better into the natural rhythm that the reader gets into when reading a good poem, and it reinforces the cadence of the poem in the readers' minds, and so has a greater impact.

Second, I would get rid of as many small, "superfluous" words as I possibly could. I am guilty of using those small words like "and" and "the" far too much myself, as you can clearly see in some of my poetry!
But seriously, paring down and omitting those words can and often does produce a sharpened focus of attention, meaning and emotion that can make a poem into a thing of real beauty.

I will combine both in a single line from your poem. Bear in mind that this is MY take; I expect any changes that you decide to make will be quite different.

"We watched as the innocent were wiped away by hate, poverty and disease"

"We watched innocense wiped away by hate,
by povetry and disease."

I hope this helps.

This is a good poem. It needs some work imo, but everything is there to make it really rock.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I took some of your notes i think it reads a bit smoother now thanks for the advice, wat do you think?

author comment

I think its a great improvement.
The flow and cadence are greatly improved, the structure - the way the poem looks and feels as it is read - is much better, and I also think that the dichotomy between the beginning and the ending is much sharper and more poignant.
I also like the use of commas now too, it reinforces the cadence.
Well done, you've taken a poem that was OK, and made it into a poem that's very good!

Keep writing,

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thanks for everything Jim

author comment

Thanks dude im still learning so all these tips are greatly appreciated im glad you like it though and i will make some adjustments.

author comment

two parts feeling of this. The I watched, and the We watched. I totally agree with the asessment of Jim, and suggestion that you pare the little words that don't change the meaning of the line or poem overall. I don't think you need the commas on the end of every line. Especially the lines where you make the break. Good work, I'm sure that you will gain much from this site, if you keep writing and asking for critique. ~ Geezer

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Thanks for the criti hope you enjoyed the content like I said im still learning just trying to improve myself as a poet. I appreciate all the help im getting from this sight thanks bud.

author comment
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