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Undone

he is outspoken
but too many words have gone unsaid
she's in his heart
he's in her head
they're broken, lying in their bed

so he said
could you love me?
i'm so lonely
push is coming to shove
who have you been dreaming of?
are you sure
am i still yours?

why don't you leave me, lovely
'cause you've drugged me
with your moonlight
with your eyes
i guess we're no surprise
coming undone.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
this may be a failed attempt at combining two different works that i didn't finish. still working on the rythym and the breaks; it doesn't make a whole lot of sense just yet.
Editing stage: 

Comments

but this is surprisingly sophisticated poetry, ideas and language. From someone who calls themselves 'emogothgirl' I expected more self-indulgent self-cutting stuff.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

i started posting like two years ago and i dont know how to change it! i'm really not like that, i write what i and others feel, no matter what that may be though. when the time calls i write about cutting. i don't, never have(on purpose anyways, i have a big scar on my thumb to prove it :)) but i know the feeling. you don't have to do it to get the same emotional result.

author comment

and I apologise for assumptions based on username. Naming is powerful magic in all cultures.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I'm sooooooooooooooo glad, you're writing first, trying to make sense afterwards. This is the muse speaking through *you*.

I don't know much about you so I can't be patronizing but I know a good poem when I read one.

~A

I saw an interesting TED TALK with Elizabeth Gilbert, talking about *Nurturing Creativity* that I think you'll appreciate. I loved her book "Eat Pray and Love"; the movie of the same name did justice to the book.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86x-u-tz0MA

~Anna

i just got the chance to watch that video and i'm glad you told me about it! i found it really interesting; Gilbert brings some important points to the table. thank you!

author comment

to find something to criticise here, so I settled for a niggling thing. I didn't want to just seem like an echo to the rest of them. I stumbled a little on the lines:
why don't you leave me, lovely
'cause you've drugged me
with your moonlight
with your eyes ; until I realised that it was a question and then an answer. Maybe there is something you can do to keep others from the same mistake? Maybe leave a blank line between the question and the answer?
Nice work, ~ Geezer

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Your attempt at putting two poems together is...

a distinct success.

This is very good, with strong emotions, and a sense of inevitability, of fate, that I really enjoy. As Jess said, this is sophisticated.
My only criticism is the last stanza; the word "lovely" does not seem to fit, for me.
Most excellent.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

A surprisingly subtle and expansive piece considering its size. Geezer mentioned a problem and if you've read any of my other responses you'll know already what I shall suggest... a question mark.
I'm not sure what you may do to improve this, but I will look in on it again to see.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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It sounds like the words are coming straight from inside onto page.
i like the thought of this.
A really nice poem.

Z.S Godfrey

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