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Title? What title?

Steam from an engine is rising
masking a frothy dark umber.
Cream colored foam hangs upon it.
Crusting and dripping it changes.
Muscle in movement formations
shaping on cold winter mornings.
Exercise done, I untack him.

I can think of no subject more mundane than my job. Parse this sucker please.

Editing stage: 

Comments

Having gotten a late start, I'm still kind of stumbling around but the meter seems to change from line to line to me................stan

two feet of dactyl and one of trochee each line. At least I think so. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

wild and crazy guy Yenti. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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It beats having a real one. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

A good poem, but mundane? Probably not to most,
but then whatever job we have does become a mundane
feat after a while, such is life ehh. I really like the description
of the frothing horse, but I think the poem needs an actual
title, but that's just me, I feel a title would help anyone that
might read this and go "huh", but beings how we've met, I
do know that you work with horses, and "untack" is a give
away.

Now for the meter, and I must say it flows very well out
loud, let me see if I can parse it the way you read it.

STEAM from an ENgine is RISing
MASKing a frothy DARK umber.
CREAN COLORed FOAM hangs UPon it.
CRUSTing and DRIPping it changes.
MUSCLE in MOVEment FORMations
SHAPing on COLD WINter MORNings.
EXercise done, I UN/TACK him.

I do not feel confident about my reading,
and after everyone has finished, would
appreciate your own parsing on your piece.

thank you Wes,

Richard

Everyone will work this differently of course and I'm not sure of dactyl, but I felt it as each line being two feet of dactyl with one of trochee throughout. So I disagree with your parsing, but I can be anything but sure. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

Steam from an engine is rising
masking a frothy dark umber. [minor stress on dark]
Cream colored foam hangs upon it.[minor stress on hangs]
Crusting and dripping it changes.
Muscle in movement formations
shaping on cold winter mornings.
Exercise done, I untack him.

As you say, two dactyls and a trochee per line, with 'dark' and 'hangs' adding extra momentum.

Bloody well done sir! Excellent meter with mild variations. The ostranenie is superb. For a second I thought the last line referred to this exercise and you untacked my picture from your dartboard! [grins]

Thanks for your participation and contributions to this workshop.

Now if you would just be so kind as to give me some feedback on the workshop with suggestions for future workshops here-
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/meter-everyone
we are done.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes except Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

I was anxiously awaiting your thoughts on this little poem and you saw it just like I did. I am wholly vindicated (for today anyway).
This was the first time I ever try to write using this "ostranenie" concept and I thought I did okay. I will be forwarding my comments for the next workshop post haste. Please count me in if I may be so bold. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment
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