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Sunset

Eight-thirty pm,
the whole sky to himself,
a bird flies home.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

this works so well, so definitive....so concise, an immediate and wonderful visual stimulation

Al

Thank you guys :)) was considering swapping the title and the first line around? would love to hear your thoughts... might just do it... can always swap them back :) love to you both xxx

'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)

author comment

I love the idea of swapping the title and first line, but either way it's perfect. Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Thanks Roscoe :) going to leave the swap in place, feel Sunset is the better title, love to you xxx

'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)

author comment

and this one works a several levels, the literal and the metaphoric. I could wite an essay about it but I'm too lazy [grins]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

numbers in poetry are anathema.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Jess, thanks for the new word, 'anathema' had to go and look it up :) and I quite like doing that. Glad you liked the haiku, it's a form I really love, did wonder about writing the full number, maybe it's me who is lazy lol, will edit now :) thanks again, much love xxx

'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)

author comment

both homecoming and evening captured so intrinsically well in this haiku with lovely strokes of your poetic pen..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you raj :) glad you enjoyed it, much love xxx

'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)

author comment

Eph, thanks for commenting, happy to know you enjoyed another of my little poems :) lucky me to have witnessed this bird and been right with him, if only for a moment, much love Beki xxx

'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)

author comment

well done! I get the image of a lone crow, ousted by his mob, or maybe an eagle after a long day of fishing. ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

Thank you Gee :) that's why I like haiku, it is possible to hint at many stories with just a few words, happy this one was successful, much love Beki xxx

'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)

author comment

I find the time numbers incompatible with a birds flight,
perhaps
"at sunset"?
No. I'm wrong. You have successfully combined nature and human time. Quite an accomplishment.
Again I say, I love much said in few words, to me that is what poetry can be at its best.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Thank you Jess, I really appreciate your comment, I'm happy this little haiku, this moment in my day was recieved so well, much love xxx

'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)

author comment

A visual cookie to whet the palette. I'll have to stay my hand before reaching into your bag of goodies again. Thanks for the treat!

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J.A. Fisher

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