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Sublimity

some seek for a grasp of infinity
through the supposed god of the trinity
which frankly bears no affinity
to this mythology known as divinity

one can get close to the vicinity
with the joyous loss of virginity
and no shame of your masculinity
if we embrace the planet with dignity

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Forgive me for posting more than one a day, my poetry has been blocked lately.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Though this is a poem about sublimity, it was anything but sublime.

Quit trying to compromise yourself,. and let the poems flow downstream. There's a middle way.
May you find it.

~A

I am working on construction of poetry since my muse has departed.

An analogy-: if someone has a stroke through much discipline they can re-wire their brain and regain much of their functionality. Yet I also need to relax and let it happen more.

I will find it

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Hell, what do Ihave to lose. Do I dare ? You bet. Here is my critque:

There are those who seek infinity
in the God of the Holy Trinity
to discover the sublimity of Being
in the shadows of some Divinity

but the bliss of innocence
is lost to suffering in all knowing
for what we seek in the divine
is our own mind's dreaming

POINT MADE: I think, Jess, that we both wrote "less than good" poetry here.

I'll write this one off as an exercise.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Don't throw this away., just rework it. You have the skills.

you need to bludgeon your muse with something other than a wet noodle Jess. She/he/it, isn't giving you due respect. ~ Gee

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thanks Gee.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

but I liked it. A little Ogden Nash like. Absolutely irreverent, bordering on the stupid silly and yet containing nuggets of truth. If your muse is broken, might I suggest origami? It will piss you off so badly that your imagination will run to get back to the poetry.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I have a tremor condition, it's slow even typing correctly. I play pretty good chess (when I don't knock over the pieces) but am the world's worst jenga player. Maybe I'll try sudoku, that should achieve the effect!

Thanks for the encouragement. I seldom get as consistently negative critique as on this one, but I can't deny any of it.

And do thank you all for the care and acknowledgement given that I can do much better.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

The layout tops the day since this is an experiment and I would say you have done a great job here, I like it. Whether or not we agree with the content or the world view expressed in this piece, it shows the hand of a good craftsman. Well dine.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

(forgive me, because of the natural contraction of your name, to my eye is from t. reflexion to t. rex hence tyrannouaus rex.) Yet it does not intimidate me, we are both warriors.
thank you

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

The first stanza is good. The images of lost souls looking for spiritual guidance ring clear to me. But then I maybe off in my understanding.

the last stanza seem to have been force to rhyme with the first. For ex. Virginity, masculinity seems to be be out of place with what I understand the meaning to be. I maybe wrong, so I would appreciate knowing the interpretation of the last stanza and how the flow fit with the first stanza

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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Yes, it is all a bit forced, I was trying to write a poem with all rhyming triple rhymes.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

The rhyming was good. In this case I believe spirituality has nothing to do with sexuality, but then the both can come together in poetry .
Virginity I think relates with the chasteness of a young girl and the purity of approaching god.

Whereas masculinity gives a totally different meaning. I would thing masculinity is the males imagined ability to stand up to god or take on god's role as head of his families interest as god does the interest of the his people. i realize our belief in relegion differ, but this poem has a quality i find astounding.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
https://pixiblogs.blacpixi.com/

and interesting interpretation, I value your opinion.,
thank you

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

...muliebrity. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I am usually surprised to hear words I don't know, I have a superlative vocabulary, but this one shocked me. I guess I made an instant association in my mind with an inebriate mule.

I get a new favourite word every few days, seldom more than an aphorism

today it is
pharmaceutical girl
.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

i'm still a bit new to this, but i felt the rhyming scheme over-powered the poem itself. it is a good read, but after a few lines it feels like 'look how many -inity words i can use', kinda like the 'look how many V-words i used' from the 'V for Vendetta' speech.
still a good read tho.

the theme came naturally to the rhymes and I think I nearly got away with it if the second stanza could work better.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

... I think the thing worked out just fine. With such a rhyme scheme, no reader is going to look at the poem as a great, serious work. The most you can hope for is to throw a pithy thought to them that catches them off guard. Probably what Ogden Nash tried to do in the majority of his work. The poem is a toy with a slight serious edge of reality. I wouldn't change a thing.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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