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Sonnet 18 (Shakespeare) For Workshop

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd,
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimm'd:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Last few words: 
For the Workshop "Critique Quickie"
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

The tenth and twelfth lines seem especially forced, to make the rhyme. it doesn't make sense. To whom is the fair owed? I can't make sense of the 12 th line either. ~ Gee

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"...But your eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor will you lose possession of that fair[ness, beauty] you ow'st[own?],
Nor shall death brag you wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,..."

I think it makes sense when you take "ow'st" to be a contraction of "own", with the archaic "st" strung on it.

William may have chosen to take liberty with his words, so that his piece may make poetic beauty "as a whole", and not make perfect sense to everyone. He was comfortable breaking rules and making up words for his art's sake.

At tiimes I also take liberties with the language. Once I used " 'sician" as a contraction of "musician". Worked well (I think) with the whole poem. :)

I'll try to look at as the more obvious "owe" to see how that fits into the poem,.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

so offer suggestions

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

"Ow'st" is a contraction (I presume to fill the rhyme) of "owe", which is a Middle English term for "own".
As for "eternal lines", I believe Bill was referring to his sonnet in which the woman of the poem will live forever.
I have always loved this poem, BUT even Bill capitalized... oh fuck it. You get the picture.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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The assumption of life and love after death is spurious at best.

Skinhead revision

Oi fuck!
she's dead hot,
might even fuck her when she's dead.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd,
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimm'd:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee
---------------------------

I have tried to ectract the "prose" out of this poem. If this technique help, I will use it more often on other pieces to help analyse the poems. Ok, so here we go:

Shall I compare you to a day in summer? No, you are much more loveable. Even in the summer, the winds at times are too rough, and summer itself is too fleeting. Sometimes, the sun scorches, and often it doesn't even quite shine just as it should be. Beauty in nature also fades; whether this is by some bad luck, how just how things are fated to be.

But for you, your 'summer' is eternal; it shall not pass, nor will it lose the beauty that you already own. Infact, you will not die when in these timeless lines you grow forever. So long as this world as we know it exists, this poem will also, and it will keep giving you life.
-----------------------------

And then, we can sum it up further

I cannot compare you to a day in summer. Though close, it often is too short, and a tad imperfect. And like all things in nature, its beauty fades.

But your summer is undying. You will not die, so long as men still live to read this poem.
------------------------------

Now, for something more poetic:

While the beauty of this world is fleeting,
And its goodness always fades,
You shall live, my love, forever
So long as men continue reading.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

This is not an edit, I just removed the archaisms, and took a few liberites with some words. I want to see something modern that expresses the same thing. Ryme and meter optional and do fefinitely not have to match the original.
Jess

Shall I compare thee you to a summer's day?
You are more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds [lose do] shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease has all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And every fair from fair [beter word?}sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimmed:

But your eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair you ow'st, [ow'st? owe to whom?]
Nor shall death brag you wandering in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time you grow
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life you're owed.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

delight in reading his poems. I do take issue with the ancient 'd and 'st. But love the poem anyway. It seems Shakespeare added a few of these puntcs. to satisfy those that had a passion for it.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry ~American Renga~ Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

N.B. Please post your edit/ re-write as a poem straight after the original in the same box, so we can compare them directly. Do not post as a comment on the thread or on a separate page. Click edit and paste your work in directly after the original poem.

In other words both poems, the original and the edit/rewrite should appear in the post. Sorry if I was unclear

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Love Shakespearean sonnets.

If I would remove the contractions and ye olde English, it would not be Shakespeare.

But then again, that's not the point of this workshop. However........................I, for one,
see the perfection in the imperfections and do not choose to *modernize* or explain
poetry.

If anyone wants that, read a modern novel, insist on limericks and Jack be Nimble nursery
rhymes. I'm getting tired of repeating myself. So, if you don't mind, Jess, I'll just read
and if I'm moved to make some sort of contribution to the *editing*, I will, but I'm really getting
tired of repeating myself.

And I'm really getting tired of repeating myself.

~A

we're just exercising our minds to teach them to think differently. Personally, trying to re-write Shakespeare melts my synapses.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

posted straight after the original so we can compare without scrolling back and forth

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Very sorry I couldn't keep up. Got hospitalized for a while. I'll post the edit in the poem now.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Hope you are ok now?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Getting better by the day... thanks for asking :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
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