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Snack Time (meter workshop)

Try buttering bread naked, and precariously clumsy.
Invite a mate, one unopposed to a little spillage,
and without the best selling brand of paper towels,
buttered bread, buttered bread, have some fun,
feed a friend.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

all seems right to me, but I'm no expert. The last line breaks meter cleanly............stan

Try as might, I can't parse this. It comes out differently each time. What am I doing wrong? JESS!!
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I'll have a go below.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

This one is too irregular to parse formally, but that wasn't a requirement for this exercise.
You did succeed in making the ordinary interesting and it reads well,
thanks for your commitment and participation in this workshop,
I know it's been tough for everyone,

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

i haven't followed the workshop - lol - not been here for ages...
so i don't know if my crit is appropriate

however i'll tell it as i see it :)
'Try buttering bread naked, and precariously clumsy.
Invite a mate, one unopposed (now) to a little spillage,
(and -remove)without the best (known) selling brand of (sturdy) paper towels,
buttered bread, (oh) buttered bread, (let's) have some fun,
we'll feed a friend'.

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I totally enjoyed this workshop and everyone that
has contributed.

Ian, you are pretty close!

Judy, so good to see you and thank you for the
suggestions, I believe I'll use them, by the way,
do you like buttered bread (lol), so good to see you.

author comment

i do like a bit of jam on mine :)
xx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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