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Smokeless... [Rewrite for Splash-pool]

I'm aware of all the reasons...
I can't breathe... I don't wonder why
It's not the change of seasons
My lungs are clogged, my nose is dry
After the coughing and hacking, I sit down and cry
That's my morning ritual, that's the way I do
I grab a glass of water, the dog moves to let me by
Hey kid, I'm telling you now, this is gonna be you
This is how you're gonna be, you will have this too
Wait a minute, I'll get coffee, find the matches and light up
Then I'll tell the story; I'm living-proof, it must be true
Let me take a drag on this cigarette, just to steady my cup
Then I'll tell you all about it, maybe you'll stop now
I wish that I knew then, what I'm knowing now

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This is a Spencerian sonnet. I chose this form because Spencer is the name of my youngest son. It turned out to be interesting, and challenging. ~ Gee
Editing stage: 

Comments

This reads so much better, flows well , each word fits in it's place.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Thanks for the read, and comment. I like both of them, but this was a lot more challenging to write, and I learned something! Love ya, ~ Gee

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author comment

Sonnets can indeed be quite a challenge. and you responded well............stan

I will never remember how to do this if I leave it to memeory, so I have written it down. LOL It was fun, and as I said, challenging. ~ Gee

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author comment

This is really good I like reading this a lot
It reads like if you were a pro at it

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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Barbara. I don't know about pro., but I am pleased with how it turned out, and will be sure to explore the other forms of sonnets in the future. ~ Gee

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author comment

i haven't read the earlier version of this write..but what struck me most is the Title which expresses the bottled up feelings...

raj (sublime_ocean)

was easy. It was the rest that was hard. Thanks, ~ Gee

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author comment

very welcome. I think I was the one who got the most out of this. I learned that I can do some difficult forms, and I had a bit of fun too! ~ Gee

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