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Smokeless...

With clogged lungs, I awake
I cough up all this phlegm
Even though my airways are baked
I torture them again

I've tried to quit, but it seems
That my willpower is just moot
More smoke filled with tar and nicotine
I can't give these cigs the boot

I can't play, and I can't run
and no matter what the task
My body says, "Hey I'm done"
"Where's the oxygen-mask?"

I wouldn't have had that first cigarette
If I knew then what I know now
Would stayed as far as I could get
I would have made a smokeless vow

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
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Comments

What smoking does to you in poetic rhyme, great poem but you've got me worrying about your health. I am a X smoker and i know exactly how it feels. You should send this to your health department and see if they can use it, i would. Great poem though slightly worrying. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

My health isn't quite as bad as I made out here. I still am able carry my laundry up and down the stairs to the basement, where the washer and dryer are, carry groceries from the car, [no oxygen mask!] But it does affect my everyday life. I could run across the street, but if you can walk, you could catch me, because I would be all done. I might just do something about your suggestion though, I have been thinking about starting a campaign to stop young people in school from smoking. I live not far away from a middle-school, and see kids in the fith and sixth grades puffing away as they go to and from school on lunch. Very disheartening. Maybe I could get some smokers and ex-smokers to go to the school and explain to the kids about how it affects their lives in later years. How the effects aren't really visible until later, when you have smoked for a while. Give them something to think about. ~ Gee

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to Roscoe, I'm not as bad as I made out here, but I will most-likely and eventually have to have to go on oxygen sooner or later. I did make a change in the next to last line, and I think that it makes it smoother.
What do you think? Thanks for the read and critique. ~ Gee

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I relate to this one geezer!! Agree with Gee about the last two lines :)

Hope you don't mind if I call you that. Let me know if there is something else you would like to have me refer to you as. I don't think I have read, or at least commented on, any of your work. I will remedy that in the next few hours. I need a little break right now, I have been doing a big editing job. ~ Geezer

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My father died of lung cancer and one aunt died from lung disease. Both were heavy smokers. I think a good idea for a young person who has just been caught smoking would be to visit a ward full of exsmokers . Good quatrain...........stan PS didn't know it was a quatrain until this workshop lol.........stan

Yes, I think that when a young smoker is caught smoking, they should have a cigarette, and then be made to have a race with someone they normally might beat, right after it. I'll bet that might give them some pause. I didn't know it was a quatrain either! LOL ~ Gee

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cut down some, and maybe some day, I'll have the strength and less stress so that I can quit for good. I still can do things like carry my laundry, groceries from the car, and work at driving taxi four days a week, but there have been times when I have been that bad, where I couldn't. I may try hypnosis soon, I have heard that it works for some people. I have tried the patch; that made me sick so that I couldn't eat. I have also tried Chantix, and that gave me nightmares! I thank you for your concern, and promise to keep trying to quit. Oh, and the gum was not effective, because it tasted so bad, that I needed a cig. just to get the taste out of my mouth! LOL, Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

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I've got to say, that's one habit I'm glad I never picked up. Though my sister was not so fortunate, unfortunately... ;)

It is actually only the last two lines that I can find fault with. The thing is, you speak about "I" in the first half, and then switch to "you", before you switch back to "I" again.
You could try:
"I would have stayed as far as I could get
I would have made a smokeless vow."
The repetition bothers me less.

As to the rest. Good title. Good pacing. Oddly down to earth use of vocabulary, which I actually find refreshing. So thanks for a good one, man. And try Cubans instead of cigarettes. If you're gonna go out in smoke, you might as well do it in style:)

Yours

Waldo

I like to think that I am a down to earth kind of guy, and able to reach everybody with my work. As this is from personal experience, I think it might have a little more impact, if I keep the vocabulary and thoughts simple and not try to be an egghead. Thanks for the read and comments, ~ Gee

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