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Sickly Sweet
I want your heart
your kiss of death
your sugar lips
your honey breath
my heart is ice
my fingers numb
you stole the warmth
but feel it none
beautiful lights
dance in your eyes
your touch, your tease
is slight surprise
your smile's a lie
when you are sad
the one you love
let others have
though stars may fly
they seldom fall
i found but one
to hold through all
my heart of hearts
lies in your hand
you've turned it into
tears and sand
my ink is cold
and black and dead
your voice is gold
stuck in my head
your silver speak
with brazen tongue
a rapier thrust
my end won't come
i need your heart
your kiss is death
sweet poisoned lips
your honey breath
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
ahh...this one is tricky. i was on the fence for a while with going Ye Olde on it-"thy honey breathe," etc.-it sounded cool but retarded at the same time, if that makes sense. oh well. took a suggestion, not quite done editing.
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
somewhere in the middle of the mountains
Favorite Poets
life.
Comments
wesley snow
Sat, 2011-12-03 21:08
I would have gone for the "thee, thy, thou" thing,
but I'm a sucker for it. This is really cool. The rhythm fairly forced me to read it quickly which I think adds to its intensity.
A couple of things troubled me though.
"the one you love
let others have"
I'm pretty sure I understand the meaning here, but it is slightly cumbersome. I think it's trying to say... "you let other have.", but I could be wrong. Not sure how to change it without adding to much to the line and spoiling the racy rhythm which I think is one of the poems chief assets.
"your silver speak" Did you mean "you silver speak" or did I miss the meaning?
"but the end won't come" This is too long and trips up the pace. Maybe... "but ends won't come"?
Still and all I love this one. Just superlative.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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weirdelf
Sat, 2011-12-03 22:04
Apart from being really glad you didn't go for thee's and thou's
I agree entirely with Wesley, right down to the stanza and lines he mentioned.
And LOVE the title, really makes the poem.
cheers,
Jess
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scribbler
Mon, 2011-12-05 09:21
hello
This is the 1st of yours I've read and I liked it a great deal. "the one you love"......maybe just rearrange to the one love you to better convey meaning. I'm not sure if you want to carry rhyme all the way through but if so you could consider changing but feel it none to my ears are dumb. Just a few ideas on an enjoyable poem..........stan
Kailashana2
Mon, 2011-12-05 10:25
Nice story. ;-)
Nice story. ;-)
Just a few changes I would make, to wit:
emogothgirl on Sat, 2011-12-03 15:47
beautiful lights
dance in your eyes
your touch, your tease
a slight surprise
(rather than *is*)
your smile's a lie
when you are sad
the one you love
others must have
(this way it flows into the next stanza)
though stars may fly
they seldom fall
i found but one
to hold through all
my heart of hearts
lying in your hand
you've turned into
tears and sand
(modifying)
my ink is cold
and black and dead
your voice still gold
stuck in my head
(rather than is)
your silver speak
with brazen tongue
a rapier thrust
my end won't come
(love this paragraph)
i need your heart
your kiss is death
your sweet poison lips
your honeyed breath
(just a little variation on the opening stanza)
~A