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Shark's Pool

I’ll have to buy tobacco very soon
or else I have to smoke the wretched crap.
I keep it on the chance I might run out,
but elsewise I prefer my Captain Black.

Buying my tobacco must be sooner
than the chance I’ll smoke the wretched crappy.
Keeping it on chance I might run out soon,
Captain Black I elsewise do prefer it.

Steam from an engine is rising
masking a frothy dark umber.
Cream colored foam hangs upon it.
Crusting and dripping it changes.
Muscle in movement formations
shaping on cold winter mornings.
Exercise done, I untack him.

I can think of no subject more mundane than my job. Parse this sucker please.

Editing stage: 

Comments

Mastered iambic verse, Wesley. You win hands down.

~A

But now what do I do? wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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author comment

That is not at all fair. You made me spit my coke up. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

a hit, a most palpable hit.

Perfect. I knew this workshop would be a stroll for you but hope you get something from it.

Certainly others will gain from your expertise.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

I love the fact that we have fun in our workshops.

Btw, do you guys have a headache after smoking? lol.

~A

Jess, your William Blake is not iambic. What's up with that? Fix it. Surely you have the influence. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

but also enough respect to get onto a medium to ask permission.

A hint, lot's of us change our signatures all the time so this exchange could soon become confusing.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

if I touched one syllable of his verse.
Who could pass up an opportunity like that?
http://new.neopoet.com/node/apologies-blake-wesleys-challenge

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Welcome to the workshop. I won't pretend to
be accomplished at metered poetry, or really
accomplished at any aspect of the craft, but
I do try. I'm not sure why anyone else has not
rewritten your four lines and pointed out the
iambic pentameter, but I am going to try it ...
the caps indicate where I read the stress points.
With that being said, I also think that stress points
are depending on personal or cultural language in
individuals, thereby not necessarily making this or
any reading a 100% correct conclusion. I think the
success of metered poetry is for it to be widely read
in the intent of the author by the readers. The reason
I am saying this is because your first word is "I'll", and
it could arguably be considered a stress point in the
sentence.

i'll HAVE to BUY toBACco VEry SOON
or ELSE i HAVE to SMOKE the WRETCHed CRAP.
i KEEP it ON the CHANCE i MIGHT run OUT,
but ELSEwise I preFER my CAPtain BLACK.

ok, that's how I read the stress points, and I do
believe your intention as well ... thanks for joining
in.

because it was already correct.
But it is excellent exercise to parse things for yourself.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

that scanning ourselves is critical. Keats said that if "poetry is not written naturally, it should not be written at all."
Therefore I agree with The Moonman that ANY poem can be read in a different fashion depending on how one is educated (school, culture, friends, first language). I would never accent the "I'll" in my first line, but a friend who read the poem back to me did. She was told nothing about how it should be read, she simply spoke it so.
Jess, I paste my new poem over the old? I am computer challenged, so I want to be straight on this.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

not over it. So we can compare them directly, one after the other.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Okay, here's my homework. It's ugly and was a bitch to do. Glad I'm in a workshop. No one is going to let a poet like me out on the streets. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

should be allowed out on the streets, as a matter of public safety.
[grins]

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

But it was a valiant effort.  Meter first, then poetry, in this workshop (is that blasphemy?)

 

Buying/ my to/bacco/ must be/ sooner
[Have to buy tobacco soon, not later?]
than the/ chance I’ll/ smoke the/ wretched/ crappy.
[or be forced to smoke that wretched baccie?]
Keeping/ it on/ chance I/ might run/ out soon,
Captain/ Black I/ elsewise/ do pre/fer it.

[I reckon if we could just do something with that last line it would be quite reasonable]

 

but the meter is perfect. No reflection on you as a poet, it's a bugger of an exercise.

 

It does show two important things though. One that iambic is the most natural meter for English and that pentameter is a fairly natural line length (about one breath for a reader) and two that the metric form can be determined by content. Trochaic seems to lend itself to a more formal, stylised content.

 

By the shores of Gitchee Gumee
By the shining big sea water

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

...is an understatement. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

I can't explain why I was able to do this in dactyl, but it started to happen and didn't discourage it. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment
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