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Shark's Pool

I’ll have to buy tobacco very soon
or else I have to smoke the wretched crap.
I keep it on the chance I might run out,
but elsewise I prefer my Captain Black.

Buying my tobacco must be sooner
than the chance I’ll smoke the wretched crappy.
Keeping it on chance I might run out soon,
Captain Black I elsewise do prefer it.

Steam from an engine is rising
masking a frothy dark umber.
Cream colored foam hangs upon it.
Crusting and dripping it changes.
Muscle in movement formations
shaping on cold winter mornings.
Exercise done, I untack him.

I can think of no subject more mundane than my job. Parse this sucker please.

Editing stage: 

Comments

Mastered iambic verse, Wesley. You win hands down.

~A

But now what do I do? wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

That is not at all fair. You made me spit my coke up. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

a hit, a most palpable hit.

Perfect. I knew this workshop would be a stroll for you but hope you get something from it.

Certainly others will gain from your expertise.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I love the fact that we have fun in our workshops.

Btw, do you guys have a headache after smoking? lol.

~A

Jess, your William Blake is not iambic. What's up with that? Fix it. Surely you have the influence. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

but also enough respect to get onto a medium to ask permission.

A hint, lot's of us change our signatures all the time so this exchange could soon become confusing.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

if I touched one syllable of his verse.
Who could pass up an opportunity like that?
http://new.neopoet.com/node/apologies-blake-wesleys-challenge

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Welcome to the workshop. I won't pretend to
be accomplished at metered poetry, or really
accomplished at any aspect of the craft, but
I do try. I'm not sure why anyone else has not
rewritten your four lines and pointed out the
iambic pentameter, but I am going to try it ...
the caps indicate where I read the stress points.
With that being said, I also think that stress points
are depending on personal or cultural language in
individuals, thereby not necessarily making this or
any reading a 100% correct conclusion. I think the
success of metered poetry is for it to be widely read
in the intent of the author by the readers. The reason
I am saying this is because your first word is "I'll", and
it could arguably be considered a stress point in the
sentence.

i'll HAVE to BUY toBACco VEry SOON
or ELSE i HAVE to SMOKE the WRETCHed CRAP.
i KEEP it ON the CHANCE i MIGHT run OUT,
but ELSEwise I preFER my CAPtain BLACK.

ok, that's how I read the stress points, and I do
believe your intention as well ... thanks for joining
in.

because it was already correct.
But it is excellent exercise to parse things for yourself.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

that scanning ourselves is critical. Keats said that if "poetry is not written naturally, it should not be written at all."
Therefore I agree with The Moonman that ANY poem can be read in a different fashion depending on how one is educated (school, culture, friends, first language). I would never accent the "I'll" in my first line, but a friend who read the poem back to me did. She was told nothing about how it should be read, she simply spoke it so.
Jess, I paste my new poem over the old? I am computer challenged, so I want to be straight on this.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

not over it. So we can compare them directly, one after the other.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Okay, here's my homework. It's ugly and was a bitch to do. Glad I'm in a workshop. No one is going to let a poet like me out on the streets. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

should be allowed out on the streets, as a matter of public safety.
[grins]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

But it was a valiant effort.  Meter first, then poetry, in this workshop (is that blasphemy?)

 

Buying/ my to/bacco/ must be/ sooner
[Have to buy tobacco soon, not later?]
than the/ chance I’ll/ smoke the/ wretched/ crappy.
[or be forced to smoke that wretched baccie?]
Keeping/ it on/ chance I/ might run/ out soon,
Captain/ Black I/ elsewise/ do pre/fer it.

[I reckon if we could just do something with that last line it would be quite reasonable]

 

but the meter is perfect. No reflection on you as a poet, it's a bugger of an exercise.

 

It does show two important things though. One that iambic is the most natural meter for English and that pentameter is a fairly natural line length (about one breath for a reader) and two that the metric form can be determined by content. Trochaic seems to lend itself to a more formal, stylised content.

 

By the shores of Gitchee Gumee
By the shining big sea water

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

...is an understatement. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

I can't explain why I was able to do this in dactyl, but it started to happen and didn't discourage it. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment
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