Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

SHARED DAY

Let's walk beneath a fall rainbow
which trembles in the autumn wind
before the bright leaves drop and go
signaling the season's end

Or we could drive past farmers' fields
of newly golden beans and corn
'ere combines gather up the yields
leaving the bare ground forlorn

Perhaps sit by a windy lake
and watch the waves roll to the shore
where cattails and bare willows quake
and pine trees whisper "nevermore"

Watch lazy rivers float the leaves
that for a while join in the eddy
while in the sky the honking vees
keep their flights due south and steady

So many things on this fine day
that we might see or do
as cool winds blow and old trees sway
I want to do them all with you

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

at every level, Stan. You mis-stress and re-arrange for rhyme, your meter is all over the shop and what that does is take away from the profound emotional intent I can still detect (but only just) of the poem.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I am abundantly aware of my lack of technical expertise. Have you tried reading this aloud with an open mind? As always, I appreciate your input.........stan PS better get stomach checked out if reading poetry leads to projectile vomiting lmao PPS made a few adjustments

author comment

I literally read the poem out loud, then I got it, I don't often miss that so thanks also for that.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

No prob. After reading your 1st comment I also read it out loud and spotted some stumbles immediately lol.Strange how what "reads" well often doesn't sound right when read aloud..............stan

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.