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Saturday Night...

Submitted by Geezer on Thu, 2011-10-06 02:09

Shadows move in closer, and I cannot see
Blindfolded by fear of the unknown
Ice-water thoughts of horror, sunami behind my eyes

Hair standing on end, and cold gooseflesh
Thumping heart loud in my ears
Shaking hands, trembling legs that refuse to stand

I fall from bravery to limp coward
Terrorized beads of sweat drip from my chin
Throat constricted, my voice scared and hoarse

Bolting away from reality, my mind races
Chill wind caresses my soul like a love slave
A prisoner of phantoms

Chained to images half formed
I move too slowly
Shocked to incompetence

Brainwaves short out, and I reach overload
No way to turn off the view
Damn, where's the remote?

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Thu, 2011-10-06 03:14

interesting write gee

seemed to be dark... good ending ... made me smile
- wish we had a remote for life...
but probably a good thing we don't - i'd probably live in the past forever
and never get my life finished :)

one line pulled me up
'Throat constricted and my voice a scared hoarse'
- the syntax seems too reversed for me
can i suggest
'Throat constricted, my voice hoarse and scared' ??

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Geezer

Thu, 2011-10-06 10:13

along with a few others, has a play on words connected to it. If you notice, I tried to have the last line in each stanza relate to the first line in the next. Admittedly, I may have stretched them a little too far, but that was the intent. Do you see them now? I think it would probably work the way you suggest, but I thought that by saying it that way, It would be a little more obvious. "Horse-hoarse"
So nice to see you here again, I have missed you. Thanks for the read and the comments, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

judyanne

Thu, 2011-10-06 10:20

yes, i had noticed that...

can i then suggest you make it
'my voice scared and hoarse' ...?

lovely to be back, thanks gee
- less time to spend than before though...

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Kailashana2

Thu, 2011-10-06 13:21