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REMAINS OF THE DAY

Submitted by Bonitaj on Sat, 2011-08-13 15:41

She had made up her mind,
to be alone,
to cut herself off
from all perfunctory contacts.
He, too, was widdershins,
unwinding the sensations
of disintegration and anti-life.

Neither of them could stand
each other,
let alone the thought - the treason
of growing old
together.

She was crabby
and he was ornery.
He was stooped
and she was brittle
clasping at each other
with rants and rasps
no longer willing or able
to copulate
to pull off their masks
and expose
their fragile disgust for
each other.

But to honor
that inner contempt
and acknowledge
that Time had had
his way
with one
and the other,
a little more
with one
than the other,
and yet it evened out -
one way or the other.

They were old.
They knew
their Time
had past
and that this
was now the remains.
The covert
denial of
infinite sadness
at this empty space
of saying
"goodbye".

BjR September 2, '09

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Deep analysis of poetry

Comments

Bonitaj

Sat, 2011-08-13 17:41

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For your Rosey commentary! ;)
Your interpretation is spot on and after 25 years of marriage - that's where this poem took me! Luckily that was written exactly two years ago, almost to the day and things have picked up somewhat since then! ;)
Glad to be back and able to post now and then!
Regards
Boni

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Bonitaj

Mon, 2011-08-15 21:49

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I think I'm one of the lucky ones! There are a couple of crisis years that are ear marked as such, in terms of marriage. I think they're something like 1, 7, 12 and yes "25". I think it's all plain sailing from here or is that Downhill? ;)

Bonitaj

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scribbler

Mon, 2011-08-15 11:37

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Sorry, I missed seeing this is your workshop poem. This is a good description of love turned to bitterness over the years. What in the world is "widdershins"? lol. Also think you meant to say:
"their time had passed" Will come back later when it is time to go beyond the surface..............stan

themoonman

Mon, 2011-08-15 13:51

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Summary; damn good poem !
Made me feel it, or maybe it's something we all dread, but
regardless, it's affective. These two were plainly pictured,
the dried up love that may have been, So gone.

For me, the first stanza has too many commas, the first
sentence (for me) flows better without the comma after
"mind", and also the one after "He".

Second stanza; "of them" is redundant, and here I think I'd
add a comma after treason, a perfect pause is needed there
which I'm sure is there in your read aloud, but to get the reader
to make that perfect pause, direction is needed.

Third stanza; I'd lose the "for each other" in the ending line of
that stanza, redundant, and stronger without it.

Fourth stanza; loved this, but felt the story, the poem, the
couple should end with "still not saying goodbye", but it may
just be my twisted nature, regardless, a damn fine poem Boni,
I thank you for sharing it with us in the pool.

Richard

p.s. - I'm sure you know, but please don't edit until being the go
ahead by Jess.

Bonitaj

Tue, 2011-08-16 06:05

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Always good to see thngs through your lens! Some suitable corrections in the making - I will attend to after Jess has stopped by!
Thanks
Boni

Bonitaj

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Bonitaj

Mon, 2011-08-15 13:52

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Glad that you picked up on passed/past. Very often goes unnoticed! Came across the word "widdershins" on the day this piece was crafted. Liberally used it means "in a direction contrary to the natural one". Poetic licence being what it is - I hope that makes sense!
Cheers
Boni

Bonitaj

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MichelleK

Tue, 2011-08-16 07:37

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A poem about the growing distances between an old couple in marriage.

I think your structure and line cutting needs some work, they're a bit jarring at the moment. Perhaps make your lines a little longer and never end a line on a conjunction word 'but', 'or', 'and' etc...
Your vocabulary and imagery is very good.

"The covert/ denial of/infinite sadness" This my favourite line in the work. Your concept comes across strongly in every stanza.

Sorry for this extremely brief critique, I have an essay due tomorrow :(!

This work has a lot of promising potential with a little revision to structure and line cutting .

PS. cut either rants or rasps, they don't work together well in that line.

Bonitaj

Thu, 2011-08-18 03:11

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Amazing what we see through the eyes of an astute critique - which we fail to see right under our noses...
Boni

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Bonitaj

Thu, 2011-08-18 03:27

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I would imagine most writing, is tinged by some autobiographical experience. For me I think there is this deep saddness, that some people in a relationship take their 'inner selves' hidden from view and intimate sharing - to their grave! I think the "mixed feelings" or ambivalence you speak of, is more of a resignation to this fact, and a willingness to move forward "alone", into the ravages of ageing and ultimately death. I am reminded of a quote from THOREAU:
"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation
And go to the grave with a song still in them"
Thanks for your detailed critique!
Boni

Bonitaj

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weirdelf

Sat, 2011-08-20 08:57

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I thought it must be a reference to Kazuo Ishiguro's novel and the film of that name, but didn't seem to connect to Mrs Benn. Never mind, probably doesn't bother most people and it is a beautifully evocative title.

The other thing that struck me on first reading was the you don't seem to trust your own prosody. Sometimes the short lines and short lines/long lines add impact, but at others they could be usefully combined and scan beautifully.

Content-wise it is infinitely sad; lacking the grace and courage to grow old and face losing each other, they push each other away. I kept wanting some more redemption, but that is not the poem, the ending is perfect.

I look forward to your responses of intent and revisions here and your final feedback on the Deep Analysis page.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Bonitaj

Sat, 2011-08-20 17:36

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and to all the other, most adept writers and critics. At this point, without having the time or courage to propose a re-write, I would just like to hold my finger on what oozes from the culminating last line. "The empty space of saying goodbye" is indeed, a reference to the 'death do us part' and an indication of some inherent deep saddness, at the thought of losing either one or the other - to death. This "empty space" is vacant of thoughts, words or means of expression, to convey that fear, that impending future loss. Jess, I think that was the subliminal message that warranted the title. Yes, I am aware of both the book and the film, but haven't encountered either.
Appreciate your opinions and placing value on this particular piece. I shall re-think some edits and return again.
Regards
Boni

Bonitaj

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weirdelf

Sat, 2011-08-20 20:57

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I wasn't suggesting a re-write. In stanzas four and five some of the very short lines can be combined simply by removing the line break and they already scan.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Bonitaj

Mon, 2011-08-22 04:24

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Thanks for that quick, thorough, summation!
Cheers
Boni

Bonitaj

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Peggedit

Sun, 2019-12-22 04:43

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Hello bonitaj
Since I'm new to the site, just stumbled on your piece scrolling through. (The title drew me in).
I liked the poem, the tone, tinged with sadness throughout and the unresolved, rhetorically posed question. What happens to.the "Remains of the day" for any of us? Is it best to be astutely aware or rather hurtle forward in some kind of hedonistic oblivion, hoping to sidestep the grim reaper?
Sets one thinking.
Peg

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