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Poetry is ... (Shark Pool Submission)

that awkward ride home
after a night in jail,
or those chance encounters
one can never tell.
It's the crashing of cars
and old folks dancing,
baby's first steps
and our dear parents' passing.
It's the dogwood's lean
under the shadier birch
it is starvation, war
and so much more.

It's you and me,
the earth and stars,
the coming and going
and where we are.
It is truth, hope
and god in ink.
It's the beauty we see
and the poison we drink.
It's now and then,
tomorrow's red rose,
it's that mutual sex
that curls our toes.
It's the red man, black man,
the polar bear's plight
and the reason I wake
inspired at night.
It's the beggar, the thief,
the final funeral ride,
it's the question, answer,
and the reason why.

... communication

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Edited the last line before any comments !
Editing stage: 

Comments

But Richard, where is the kitchen sink? The last line I think can be: "this, then is poetry."

~A

I'm always forgetting that damn sink (LOL)

author comment

Although this is "shark pool", any and all suggestions are
more than welcome, so if you have any, feel free.

thank you so much for reading and commenting !

Richard

author comment

I appreciate your input very much, I will wait until after the
sharks are through feeding before addressing your suggestions,
and if you have any more, be my guest. One thing about poetry,
no matter how small the critic may think a suggestion is, it forces
the poet to think about the reasons they have chosen a certain word,
or way of accomplishing what they've attempted, it is good for everyone,
it is what a workshop is all about.

thank you

author comment

I believe I can answer your suggestion now, as I will be
attempting to address everyone else as well. I failed to be
clear on that sentence, it should read;

It is the question, the answer
and the reason why.

a statement, not a question, I thought between the ellipses
and a space it would be clear, but I should've just used a
period. I'll be changing it, thank you for pointing out where
I've been confusing.

Richard

author comment

One of the better list poems I've read. Liked the limited use of rhyme. It pretty well covers what can bring inspiration. There at the end you might try:
it's the question and answer
the eternal why....
just a thought (thus using up my day's quota lol)...........stan

Thanks for reading, only one thought per day (lol), I only get
a half of one, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to come up with
something clever!

author comment

I'm going to start at the end and work backwards, if I may! I truly like the 'simple truths' that this espouses, and the unpretentious tone that is carried throughout. For that reason alone, I would advocate you drop the last explanatory lines, which are implicit in the title. Clever juxtapositioning of "business" THE COMING AND THE GOING, with "stillness" I.e. The being WHERE WE ARE. Would like to see God, with a capital "G", for no other reason than, you are doing other forms of punctuation and this would warrant a capital, to follow those rules.
A well crafted, provocative piece, both for the lay person, and those that see similar reasons to be inspired enough to write their own poetry!
Nice one!
Boni

Bonitaj

So glad your posting came through, very helpful crit ...

thank you

author comment

I am still debating on whether to omit the final line or not,
I believe I'll change it a bit, as I do feel something goes there,
but not sure about what I have. This poem wrote itself the other
morning, I had a different poem ready for the pool, but this one
fell out of my pen and I decided to go with it.

The reason god is not capitalized is simply me trying not to
appear sacrilegious, I am not religious, but writing is sort of a
religion to me, all consuming at times. I thought about it before
posting and decided it best to be in small letters.

thanks for making me explain, it's always good to be asked why,
especially when we've actually an answer.

author comment

I thank you for your look into this little write, it's much
appreciated.

author comment

The experience of poetry as universal experience.

Only a slight critique here in the phrase 'parent's passing'. When the noun is a plural collective experience or an experience or object belong to a certain group of people the apostrophe is after the s. So parents' instead of parent's

I think you can cut the last three lines or make them your title, they just don't work where you've got them at the moment, spoon-feeding the audience.

Some really nice rhymes and half-rhymes, some may sound slightly forced but could just be me and my natural aversion to rhyme. Your rhyme is fantastic, I am truly awe-struck by people who can do it.

Well-done:)!

Thank you for your critique, of which I'll definitely take into
consideration when time for editing.

author comment

just wanted to say thank you again, I will definitely fix the
"parents' ... and I wanted to let you know that I usually don't
write in rhyme, but sometimes it comes out that way, but even
then I usually go for ease of spoken language, half rhymes or
near rhymes. I am going to edit this piece a bit, and would appreciate
another look from you when it's done.

The last line is a summation, spoonfed; yes, but meant to encompass
everything, anything, all things. Although I think less is more, and not sure
what I'll do there yet.

thanks again

Richard

author comment

I revisit the scene of your crimes and misdemeanors, Richard and your poem still knocks my socks off.

I have come to like the last line exactly as it is.

~A

you have long been my partner in crime,
you just didn't know it.

author comment

With only a slight change I think you could dispense with any mention of poetry. That change would be a mention of the beauty (without using that word) of some purely inanimate things after "the earth and stars" ["the earth and the stars" would scan better]

Then the poem could only be about poetry, or art.

I like god un-capped for two apparently conflicting reasons. One, it shows more respect for people's disparate beliefs, it would be even better pluralised. And two, as you use it, a metaphor, not an anthropomorphic personification.

Beautiful crafted and judicous use of rhyme. Just a couple of minor suggestions-

and more, much more.[I would lose this line altogether, it is weak and the poem itself implies it]

It is truth and hope [for the scansion]

Terrific poem. Let's hear your replies and see your revisions.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

thanks, great suggestions and I am working on the edit!

author comment

onya, mate.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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