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Photosynthesis (Meter & Rhyme workshop)

Just how does light turn into green
travel from your eye to mine?
Make for all the splendor seen?
Does a stream rush into a river
or make the ocean of a dream?
Can the mark make your arrow quiver?

Editing stage: 

Comments

green/seen/dream [strong single rhymes]

river/quiver [weak double rhymes]

good.

remember weak mean un-stressed last syllable, not bad.

You still haven't got the idea that we are playing to learn. Really push those rhymes and experiment. Fuck the poetry, you can use the techniques to improve your poetry later.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Ok. Funny thing, I just wrote this as a *dance* with another poet at AT.

Ophelia,
open your pockets to the sun,
let your hair flow
with the tide and the water,

let the crescent moon hide your dismay
and the river of contempt
wash you away
like dreams that come
what may.

So I guess, that the rhyme meter thingy are in my subconscious conscious. lol.

~A

author comment

write for the workshop.

I've said over and over again, it doesn't have to be good poetry, just use the devices the workshop is teaching.

Your fucking huge ego or laziness seems not to allow that. Then you won't learn from the workshop.

I may not bother to comment any more.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Wow! Where the fuck did that come from Jess and why?

~A

author comment

sorry

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Just how does light turn into green
travel from your eye to mine?
Make for all the splendor seen?
Does a stream rush into a river
or make the ocean of a dream?
Can the mark make your arrow quiver?

I clearly understand the ending rhyme here. Green,seen, dream. River and quiver

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry ~American Renga~ Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

This is good, but I like the one you posted in your comments better, it seems more natural, and less forced, than your posted poem.
I think that may be due to the different syllable counts of the lines. I know we're doing rhyme here and not meter, but I can't help it, the cadence seems out of kilter a bit, to me.
I do like the rhymes though, I think they're very good.
And I also like arrow/quiver at the end - I think that's a nice play on words!

Good rhymes

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

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Photosynthesis

JUST HOW DOES LIGHT turn GREEN
TRAVEL from your EYE to MINE?
Make for splendor SEEN?

Does a STREAM RUSH into a RIVER
make THE ocean A DREAM? OR
can the MARK make your arrow QUIVER?

the words in all caps are the rhymes i found flow wonderfully. great rhyming

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry ~American Renga~ Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

Hey, I'm trying; I suppose one of my problems is that I can't sing, I am tone deaf to myself, but I can hear perfectly others singing...even if they are off half a note and can recognize similarities in voices that others don't.

Anyhow, only the last line in the above poem was weighed upon to make the rhyme.

I, too, liked the improv one.

~A

author comment
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