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PHANTOM LOVE

To learn to love
I created you
The feeling
Left me spellbound
There you were
My phantom love
I desired nothing but you
In the pages of books I read
In work place
And in my dreams
I prostrated before your feet
Stretched my hands
To behold you
The empty space
Graced my hands
Brought cool chill
To the marrow in my spine
I looked again
Through misty air
To where you stood
You were not there
Gone without thinking of me
I was only a living pity
In cloud-cuckoo-land

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

It delights me when I see a poet stretching for new ways of expression.

There is a poignant beauty in this. Remember I say that when a poet releases their work it is no longer their property? It belongs to their reader. So this poem took me back to my first love. I was 10 years old and every day on the bus home from school I sat opposite her. We never exchanged a word. Never knew her name, but worshiped her, her every movement, smile, frown.

I know this is not what you were writing about, but it created something beautiful for me.

Your sparse use of language enhances the effect. I can not fault it.

My friend, you are a fine poet. Please no longer call me mentor, call me colleague and friend in poetry.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I can also see myself in the story of the girl. It happened to me a lot of times. I was queer, I couldn't express my feelings to those I liked. I was afraid of hearing the word 'no'. I learned over the years to express myself when I see something or someone I consider good without waiting for favorable response or acceptance.

I call you my Mentor, I am sorry, I see modesty in your refusal to accept it. Upon my entry to Neopoet site, you were the first I met, Your honest comments and critiques gave me the strength to carry on to this day. I have gained a lot interacting with you. I can only say, thank you my dear friend for being there. I appreciate you.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

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