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OCCUPY WORLD CITIES
Inspired by Tunisian uprising
Arab spring rose to a crescendo
Violence and death trailed along
Like soup pot sitting on fire
The content moved up and down
Topsy turvy, they rocked with heat
Martyrs bunt black and thrown away
Eroded middle class clad in uncertainty
The poor dwells in shallow graves
Wireless calls, a march to city centers
Wall Street took a peaceful lead
See multiplicity of suffering people
Intrigues and politics on human lives
World economy skewed in shambles
The mess in which we find ourselves
Left wing undermines the right
Voices of the moderates ignored
Hear the mass outcry world over
Wars continue to drain our resources
With exploded bombs and gunfire
A step to recovery starts with peace
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Inspired by an article in an old manuscript, It reads:, AXIOMS OF PERFECTION, In the physical order – In the realization of the dream of beauty, In the moral order – In the realization of the dream of love, In the intellectual order – In the realization of dream of poetry, In the spiritual order – In the realization of the dream of the mystics
Comments
wesley snow
Wed, 2011-11-23 22:02
Not my sort of poetry,
but I'll discuss it nonetheless. I believe that instead of critiquing (which I have been told I MUST do in place of mere comments) I will ask about the poem and through my questions perhaps offer some of what I'm thinking.
Throughout there is a feel of the "stream of consciousness". Was this sought? Although of all one concept, it seems disjointed as a wandering (mayhap panicking) mind. Is this how I was to perceive it? In this same direction, is the dearth of articles in your sentences deliberate? The lack does lend to the "stream".
I guess the most difficult aspect of this poem for me is that I don't quite know what to make of it.
But then... that could very well be the sign of a successful poem. I was certainly willing to read it several times in an attempt to wrap my head around it.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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weirdelf
Thu, 2011-11-24 22:58
A fucking brilliant write!
To me content is almost everything. Here you have combined intelligent, thoughtful and passinate ideas with well written verse.
I could comment more on the the prosody but choose not to because the content is so important.
cheers,
Jess
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