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On a Mountain pass

On a Mountain pass

With wetted eyes I stumble
through a mountain snow,
as I hear thunder rumble
I’m wondering, how far to go ?

Shangri-la is not attained
in steps we make with ease
That is why it has remained
a dream, an incurable tease

Lonely steps are my trial
on the way to this haven
I imagine living in style
after all I have given

Maybe I’m romantic, a simple daydreamer
please don’t say we are only fools
Rather the lot of a devious, callous schemer
who survives without abiding by rules

For only just to survive a life
to me can’t ever be enough
Rather I on the edge of a knife
than passing by as wind’s puff

Onward I go to my paradisiacal place
thoughts of failure can't ever take hold
Years have I travelled without a trace
when i feel down, I commit to be bold

Silly simple things permeate my mind
I’m trying hard to resist all sadness
I see a comfy chair a hand that’s kind
must I revert, to a melancholy madness

Steeling myself for a final assault
the last one did end in such failure
I will not blame or find others at fault
responsibility I assume, for this my tenure

Cold wind in my face, leave me alone
let me just lay down and quietly die
Must I lift another rhetorician’s stone
tears of ice on my cheeks as I cry

No, I’m not finished never not yet
I’ll rise way above another mountain
This can’t be a fallacy to end in regret
I will drink, from this mystical fountain…

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I'm sure we all seek this in our minds....
Editing stage: 

Comments

a bit stretched for rhyme in places and the meter stumbles occasionally.
Shangri-la is not unattained
in steps that are of ease
doesn't the meaning sort of go 'shangri-la's not easy'? So the double negative reverses the meaning and would scan better
Shangri-la is not attained
in steps we make with ease
just a thought.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Thank you Jess for your time and comments, i have made some changes along the lines suggested. I hope you return and let me know if it works. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

'Shangri-la is not unattained
in steps that are of ease' - do you mean 'not attained' ?

and you have
'who survives without abiding by rules'
then
'For only just to survive a life' - here you haver the word 'survive' very close together - can i suggest another word here? - perhaps 'endure'?

a powerful write
rhythm great, although uneven at times it suits the thoughts of the write

- rhyme seemed a little forced at
'Onward I go to my paradisiacal place
that I’ll fail my thoughts never hold
Years have I travelled without a trace
feeling down ! so I’ll summon up bold'
(i stress imho)
maybe something like -
'Onward I go to my paradisiacal place
that I’ll fail my thoughts all inaction
Years have I travelled without a trace
feeling down ! so boldness I’ll summon'

i absolutely love the first stanza
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you Judy for your time and suggestions , i have made one or two changes. I hope that they work, and would be intrested to hear what you think. I never read that i had written un attained, attained was what i thought i had written Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

wonderful edit
awesome write
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

a few small changes make the world of difference, eh.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Thank you again, Judy and Jess for your help and encouragement. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

I see no need to change it myself, I loved it. Beautifully written.

Much Love,
Elizabeth

it is rather understated but perhaps the heart of Neopoet. Click on that and you can see the changes a poet has made, whether based on critique or re-evaluation, since it was first posted.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

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