Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

MOONLIGHT PLAY

The lantern of the sky shows up there
Its brilliance shines down here
Everybody stood up and rejoice
For the king’s torch has come around

Tok–odo–dio… tok-odo–dio
Children troop to the play ground
Young men clap their hands
The girls sing and dance along

Dance and choose somebody
Point to the one after your heart
Select those with very long legs
Select those with big stomach

Dance and choose somebody
Select those with big heads
Select those with fine faces
Point to the one after your heart

When you have made your choices
The one after your heart, remember
As mosquitoes go into the house at night
So too shall the children return to their homes

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

my friend, this is the musicality of language, the poetry, that I've been hassling you for for so long! Fucking brilliant, evocative, meaningful poetry.

Why have you avoided it? Is there some cultural shame? Trying to write very correct English rather than express the rhythm and feeling of your culture? I hope you don't find these questions offensive.

If you can find a way to write your social and political concerns with this kind of feeling and connection I think you will be a major poet of our time.

I've never stopped believing in your talent.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

We used to play this game when I was little and I tried to recapture it. I do not know if the kids of today are doing the same with electricity and television occupying their attention, I am afraid they rarely go out when the moon is shining to play hide and seek and all sorts of games we enjoyed as kids.

Sometime, in an attempt to recapture this mood, the language will not flow well in English. What I am trying to do now is to write in my native language, 'Ibibio' and then attempt a translation. There are so many repeated words in my native tongue such that it might appear boring to the reader when it is translated in English. For example, 'Dance, choose somebody that you heart loves, dance, choose somebody ' is repeated over and over again as in 'nek sio owo, sio owo, nek sio owo eke esit mfo amade, sio owo, sio owo'

thank you very much for your comment and appreciation, best wishes

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.