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A MOCKING BIRD

The mocking howl of a lonely bird
Sitting on the tree branch in the yard
Mimicking mama crying out her pains
Overtaken by bugs and being alone

Arthritis, diabetics, hypertension and rheumatism
Her companions and strange bedfellows now
Sickbed, her field of play with excrement and urine
One room, the span of her whole wide world

She was a woman who dared men
That pounced on the helpless and the weak
Men who crossed lines protected by women
And played soccer with guys in novelty matches

She begged death to come to her
But it peeped from a corner and teased
Then went to other folks and mixes
To take young people in their prime

In and out of coma, she saw the faceless death
Coming out of it, she labeled her visitors
With names of people long dead and gone
Then chatted with the unseen spirits

Smiling back, she challenged the bird
Lamentations of an old woman have names
Hypoglycemia coma with symptoms
Of psychotic dementia on a referral

Mocking bird laughing at the aged
You seem not to know anything at all
Look around you, life is not what it seems
Pray it does not come to your doorsteps

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Must say title gave no hint of what was to come. A very powerful poem. I have a few suggestions you might consider :
s-1,l-3 change cry to crying
s-2,l-4 change the to one
s-4 excellent
s-6,l-2 lamentation to lamentations
as always, feel free to use or not as you see fit..............scribbler

Changes made. Thank you very much for the needle eye view on my scribbles. Are you suggesting that the title does not fit the piece? In all, I appreciate your comments and contributions. Best wishes

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

No, I think the title is fine. I was just kind of expecting something else because of my having written a poem with same title and very different body. Guess I was title predisposed lol....................stan

Thank you. Your encouraging presence gives me hope and strength to carry on. Best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

Your title was perfect! ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

Joining the pool seems to be a challenge. Do I have to register amongst the ten or do I have to just post a piece, how? Please help a lonely traveler. Best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

On the contrary TR, though all your poems have a teaching aspect, and always point to a real slice of life, there seems to be, for me, very little in it that is poetic.... I don't exactly know how to fix that, but perhaps to show more of your heart than what you words say.

Maybe if you would write as an insider rather than an outsider...in the truest sense of life, we're all mocking birds until and unless we've seen, heard, felt, experienced life's vicissitudes for ourselves...and that always comes from an I/we positioning rather than a *you*.

Talk about your friend, loved one who is lying on that bed. Tell me how it feels, add another layer to your poems.

~A

For the first time, you are honest with my scribbles. I don’t consider my self a poet yet, I am aspiring to be one for poetry is the height of intellectual expression. I am not there yet. I am a mere story teller. The pen name t. reflexion makes me an outsider, if you note, I only give my real name to those who ask – Iboro Offong. I am an outsider; I am not sitting in the row with the eminent. Thus, the style, the ‘you’ as noted by you, this allows me to enter into other people’s affairs without violating their sanctity.

Your comments are very dear to me, so I take a lesion and attempt to represent the same piece in a slightly different form by breaking them into smaller units, adding a word or two, to see if my way of presentation is what makes my parchments verbose. Your frank opinion, once again will be appreciated. Thank you and best wishes.

Tr

A MOCKING BIRD

The mocking howl
Of a lonely bird
Sitting on the tree branch
In the yard
The garden of life
Mimicking mama
Crying out her pains
Overtaken by bugs
And being alone

Arthritis and diabetics
Hypertension and rheumatism
Her companions in sorrows
Strange bedfellows now
Sickbed, her field of play
With excrement and urine
One room, the span
Her whole wide world

She was a woman
Who dared men
That pounced
On the helpless
And the weak
Men who crossed
Lines, long protected
By worthy women
And played soccer with guys
In novelty matches

She begged death
To come to her
But it peeped
From a corner
And teased sadistically
Then went to other folks
And mixes around
To take young people
In their prime

In and out of coma
She saw
The faceless death
Coming out of it
She labeled her visitors
With names of people
Long dead and gone
Then chatted closely
With the unseen spirits

Smiling back
She challenged the bird
Lamentations
Or moaning
Of an old woman have names
Hypoglycemia coma
With symptoms
Of psychotic dementia
On a referral

Mocking bird
Laughing at the aged
You seem not to know
Anything at all
Look around you
Life is not what it seems
Pray soberly
It does not come
To your doorsteps

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment
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