Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Love and Nature By the Ocean

I walked the beaches' shore
Salty seas still lingers in my nose
With parted lips
The taste of salt settled
On my tonsils

I fancy the summer breeze
Welcome the humid air
That rose from the water's surface
My skin grubby with sand
Ever moist

The touch of his hand in mine
Welcoming stares in his eyes
Made the heat unnoticeable
Taste of wine on his breath
Warmth of sweetness on my face tickled

Like dandelions blown in the wind
Love and nature shares with the ocean

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

just a couple of corrections and ambiguities.
you are mixing your tenses throughout, make it all either present or past tense
I walked the beaches' shore
I walk the beaches' shore
I suggest present tense.

also there the warm/cold aspects seems to be un-necessarily mixed
I fancy the Summer breeze
welcome the cool, moist, air [a summer breeze is warm, surely]
and
Made the heat unnoticeable
As it cooled from the high noon [again, if it has cooled from high noon the heat is not unnoticeable, it has gone away]

With a bit of work this could be really fine,
love the ending.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Thanks for the critique
I was writing to calm nerves
I realize I was mixing the tenses
But choose not to change at that moment
I did intend to change the mixed tenses
knowing you would
Bring to my attention
The repetition of meaning i appreciate the suggestions
And will be correcting

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

Dear Barbara-This was so romantic and beautifuuly expressed. Your last line was wonderful and your delivery right on the mark. Great wonderful poem. I love it.

Love-Faith

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.