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Lights... Rewrite for Splashpool

Smears of neon, glistening light
streak across my blurry sight
Swiftly the wipers push aside
the colored raindrops come to ride

High flying geese in their vees
Trees in brightly colored leaves
The crack of dawn, I see it come
and Summer seems to be all done

Motor sounds and tires shussssh
driving through the puddled slush
Pale yellow light from the sun
I think that Autumn has finally come

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I'm not sure that I conformed to the syllabus here. Been a couple of rough weeks. ~ Gee
Editing stage: 


this sounds like a bough on strings..i agree with Rosi the meter sounds perfect..

just a wee bit of a suggestion you may give a thought for changing

Thin yellow light from the sun
change to
Silken beams of the Sun...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Might try in perfect vees and light from fading sun and see if it sounds better to you. But it all depends on how it's read..........stan


I love the feel of the poem, my only nit pick is with line 3 of Stanza 1, 'Shadowed wipers,' it does'nt fit some how, about just saying ' Shadows wipe away,' or 'Shadows clear'.

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

for the great critique. I think most of your suggestions were right on the money. ~ Gee

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