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LEVELS ONE TO FOUR

It is good to work and save
but not from hand to mouth
To work as a common man
is a really hard story to tell

Working at a level as low as ours
with earnings gone on food alone
We have nothing to show the world
when all is drained away from us

Pity the upright common man
whose hope is in all he can do
Be it hard or menial work
It is a careworn strive to survive

The struggle to make ends meet
makes us the faceless fraction
answering yes ma and no sir
who may never live above poverty line

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I hesitate to offer corrections because it may be your poetic voice or dialect, so I'll just point out what strikes me strange and you choose to change it or not.

is really hard a story to tell
is a really hard story to tell

Working at a level so low as ours
Working at a level as low as ours

This war of pass and maw
[I'm not sure I understand this line, does the war sometimes pass by and sometimes chew up like a greedy maw?]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I couldn't make my point clearer with the first line of the last stanza, so I have replaced it completely with a new one. I have also edited the other lines as suggested. I will now move on to write, 'Tthe ninety nine person' and 'Occupy Cities' to reflect on the plight of the middle class and the poor. Best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

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