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A Killer Workshop...

The shadows in the dim lit alley
gave comfort to his mind
Killer stood with his knife at the ready
waiting for just the right kind

Eyes blinked in the gathering darkness
street cats, rats and mice
He was thinking about his stomach
a lean bad guy would be nice

Killer heard footsteps a'padding
a woman by the sound
There were others right behind her
but she didn't turn around

She was intent on looking for
the child she saw today
She knew the girl was hiding
in the darkened alleyway

The woman called out softly
where are you little one?
I want to help you darlin'
before evil deeds are done

The shadow that followed her
the footsteps were light as air
His hands were reaching out
To grab her by the hair

Dragged into a doorway
with Killer's hand upon his throat
Killer fingers to his lips
"You want to scream, but don't"

The woman grabbed a little hand
and led her to the street
"There are real nice folks out there
I'd like for you to meet"

Now that they have gone
and the badman's out of breath
Killer's thoughts are turning to hunger
and the perp will meet his death

Like you would have an appetizer
He took out a sleazeball eye
as he chewed and swallowed... gulp!
The bad man began to cry

A whimper sound escaped his throat
as Killer stabbed him twice and three
Opened up and bleeding guts
he knelt on bloody knee

Eyes wide and silent bubbles red
blowing softly in the air
Killer standing over him
blood flowing everywhere

Now Killer's humming quietly
He makes with all due speed
Taking all the good parts
Leaves what he doesn't need

Smeared blobs of flesh, torn from the bone
A face mother couldn't identify
Shreds of meat, little scraps
And one bulging grey-blue eye

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
I know that I am way behind, but you did say that I could participate on a "when I can basis." I will try hard to catch up.
Editing stage: 

Comments

You have valid points on both counts. I like both of your suggestions. I will make the changes. Yes, you have read some of my other Killer poems. Let's let the words "throat and don't" be part of the dissonant example. LOL ~ Gee

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author comment

It was, you catch on quick. LOL Thanks for the good suggestions. ~ Gee xxx

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author comment

throat/don't! They are very close so let's call that a part rhyme. Some of the others are 'close enough' too.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

you've got one weak rhyme on the first stanza alley/ready, excellent.

Now where are the double rhymes I asked for?
did you read the exercise ?
http://new.neopoet.com/comment/51139#comment-51139
there are examples there.

Mind you nobody has come up with any triple rhymes, but they are hard.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Been having some health issues, but I will get on it. ~ Gee

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author comment

Damn, man this is strong stuff.
The rhyming is excellent, but I agree with Jess, I would like to see you do the rest of the exercise - I think I'd learn something!

Not for the faint of heart, but damned good, sir, damned good.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

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Who am I to impede your education? LOL. Thanks for the great review! ~ Gee

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