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I"D RATHER

Drive in another nail
sight blurred by sweat-filled eyes
not an inch of dry clothing
drive in another nail

Towel off hot head and face
shade my eyes, look at the sun
..and glance toward the mountains
....wishing I was there

So take a break before the fan
gulp down a bit of Gatorade
I'm getting too old for this heat
I sit to cool off in the shade

Thinking about a mountain river
shaded by the oaks and hemlocks
as well as laurel understory
on the north slope

Wading....fishing in tennis shoes
toes near blue from the cold
ankle deep in riffles
near chest deep in pools

No saws, no hammers, no traffic
just..............
.the river symphony
. ...the roar of falls
.....the chime of rapids
......the buzz of gnats

Maybe even catch some trout
now that would be a nice bonus
but.....it's the beauty and the cool
which brings me here
in my mid-day
..........sweaty
..........lowland
..........break time
...................daydream

well.........
...............back to work

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
* Realized it's been a while since I attempted a free verse
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like the title, and I enjoyed the poem and the theme worked well.

I think that there needs a little more rythm to the language; I realise that the poem is Free Form, but I feel it requires an element of it, otherwise the pacing tends to be a bit off.

I think that it would make the poem even better if you tweaked, line 2 of Stanza 1, as I feel that 'sweaty eyes,' does'nt sound quite right. May be you could say 'sweat filled eyes,' or ' sweat smeared eyes'.

Love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

suggestion on sweaty eyes took about 5 seconds to implement lol. Will think about some other changes also.......stan

author comment

just..............
.the river symphony
. ...the roar of falls
.....the chime of rapids
......the buzz of gnats

loved

In summer we seek the cool and come winter we want the hot sun lol. Reckon weather is perfect about 3 weeks per year. Thanks for the visit.........stan

author comment

For the past seven days

Words of seasonal life
Are traversing across my mind

As I see the thick forest of trees,
Kissing my window pane.

Come ere winter
Autumn, the leaves will all be strewn
Stark nudity in trees frame
Then miles of snow I see,
Trees are like human veins,
Albeit lifeless,
Till spring comes again

loved

I look out and about and see a few select leaves beginning to change. It won't be long thank goodness.........stan

author comment

Nothing better on earth then nature in its beauty.
well descripted.
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I'm pleased you have your job well enough under control to spend some time here again...........stan

author comment
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