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I DON’T DOUBLE DATE
I don’t double date
So I won’t start it with you
You had your own time
Moments of glorious repast
Things are not what they were
Survival is the name of the game
As much as I care for you
I need a lifeline to stay afloat
So I carry my wares to town
Not that I want to, but I must
I don’t double date
So I won’t start it with you
You must wait for my return
The wares sell big out there
From where I keep you going
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-08-31 12:02
I wonder if there is a cultural difference here.
English poetry uses meter (which you significantly lack), assonance, alliteration, rhyme and half rhyme, syllable count. In fact it has all poetry devices available to it.
Unlike Itlalian, which can't rhyme, everything ends in a syllable, as does Japanese. Scandinavian poetry uses mostly alliteration. Anglo-Saxon uses only two stresses divided by a caesura.. Greek doesn't rhyme and uses long and short syllables instead of stressed ones.
English has got it all.
The truly great poets studied the language and learned all its devices.
I suggest you do the same.
It shames me that I am as lazy as every other useless fuck in not giving feedback to your passionate, worthwhile work.
But be generous. Write to read, I'm not suggesting you spoon feed us, but write better poetry.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry