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Hard Man (revised)

I'm including the original with the revision because I got a lot of good solid critique with this and want to compare the differences directly.

Hard Man

I wish I was a hard man,
who men look at in fear.
I wish I was a hard man,
who women palpitate for in fear
I wish I was a hard man
so friends wouldn't call for help
in the middle of the night
I wish I was a hard man,
so women wouldn't love me,
as a friend.
Then I wouldn't have the responsibility I have,
of love.

Hard Man

I wish I was a hard man,
men look at in fear.
I wish I was a hard man,
women palpitate for,
I wish I was a hard man,
friends wouldn't call for help
in the middle of the night
I wish I was a hard man,
women wouldn't love me,
as a friend.

I wouldn't have the burden,
the responsibility,
of love.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

struck me emotionally, as many of yours don't. It's a poem of feeling that I can relate to. [Not that I need women to love me as other than friends, because I'm married], but it would be nice to see them look at me with lust in their eyes. LOL Being mister nice guy sometimes sucks. I'm having a hard time with your fourth line, it just seems a little unwieldy. Maybe you should leave off the [in fear]. I'm not quite sure of what you mean by the last line. Maybe you could make it clearer? I don't see how it fits. ~ Gee

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pal·pi·tate (plp-tt)
intr.v. pal·pi·tat·ed, pal·pi·tat·ing, pal·pi·tates
1. To move with a slight tremulous motion; tremble, shake, or quiver.
2. To beat with excessive rapidity; throb.

I'd like some more feedback on why the last line is unclear. Love is a responsibility.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
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author comment

as the night goes......
dared to comment
hope u don't steel me first
with a cane
which i normally deserve
ur poetry
i shall preserve.

loved

I have lived a very hard life. My face is scarred. I would not dare to presume to compare myself to Bukowski, but we have both lived hard.

Thank you for your care.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I get it, love is the only responsibility we have. It's the only solution to every problem, except that we're not strong enough to carry it.

The poem itself needs work, Jess.

~A

Can you give me any concrete suggestions?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

No.

Love,
Anna

Ummm I appreaciate the contrast contradiction, and orginality of the writing.. but I am with Kal on this, I have little to suggest. it is hard to make suggestions on something that does not flow in my own internal thoughts.

You wish you were a hard man, but it goes in the assumption that others appreciate that, the" hard man". And not the supposdely mild man is the more desirable, you are assuming that the you, or maybe its the charecter lacks and should care what others think. Or what his insecuritiys let intrud.... Kind of rings as Jealous and insecure and that is not as becoming in a writer.

I understand the contradictions your trying to convey but it lacks for me an appreciation of confidence.... something that would add to it. I admit I am not always on the same wave length you are writing, but I do try. This seems to lack the usual cocky confidence you apply to your writing. Of coarse this is all just my opinonated read of it.

Your last lines implys that being a nice guy doesn't get you the girls, and that can be true. But if you think about it. Any lady, girl, women who looks for the bad guy persona to be with has many of her on issue's that are more trouble than benifit.

No one likes being alone though, and I do see the appeal in being the "Hard man" I have to say I have my own tough girl persona I cling to.

Julie

D.D.

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I know I am not good at telling you I loved it and going with the flow, but I hope you know that means I read it and spent time thinking on it and didn't just let popular opinion dictate what I thought about what you wrote. I find I spend more time reading your work. I wish that you take that as a complimant, even if I don't always have the fanfare comments.

Julie

D.D.

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Yes, I appreciate your discerning honesty and you nailed it.

I was feeling sorry for myself, not a pretty sight.

Thank you.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Love is a responsibility.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I have gained both from others.
Respect is better.

I like this very much. As geezer said, it has great emotional impact, and I would change nothing.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I liked the content, and the ending conclusion.
I just feel this screaming for meter. The first two
lines are very catchy, while being cliche, but a tighter
sentence structure like those two throughout may just
bring this around (for me), because as it is, it breaks
rhythm. That may not be the way you want to go, but I
thought I'd say it anyway.

Richard

I'll take that as a challenge. But not tonight. Soon.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

for that one line:

who women palpitate for in ruin (instead of fear)

I agree, love is a big responsibility (which some take too lightly) I like this piece very much. There is an underlying longing.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
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You are much nicer, I like your poetry more, and several other poets have improved by leaps and bounds.

Ta, mate.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. However, we are the ones who are the final judge of our own broken parts, everything is a mirror, a reflection of our inner workings. ;-)

Eh?

~A

i can relate and feel the emotion here. if you don't mind, i rewrote from my female perspective to see how it flow naturally in me. this is what i came up with. not saying you should change anything. it is a really good poem. i like it.

I wish I was a hard girl,
men see and fear.

I wish I was a hard girl,
women shudder with dread

I wish I was a hard girl, so
friends wouldn't call for help in middle of night

I wish I was a hard girl, so,
men wouldn't love me, as friend.

Then I wouldn't have responsibility,
of love.

People do not view me this way even though i can relate in my own personal way.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

you know why?
I realised that the word palpitate was too correct and could not be replaced tremor. Palpitate has a sexual connotation that is crucial to the meaning which tremor doesn't convey. Ah well, back to the lego set.

Thanks my dear

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

glad i could help

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Hard Man

I wish I were a hard man,
all the world of men would look at me in fear.
I wish I were a hard man,
women would not hesitate for me, even if in tears
I wish I were a hard man
so friends wouldn't call for help
in the middle of the night
I wished I were a hard man,
so women wouldn't love me
only as a friend.

Then I wished upon love, and found
the responsibility I'd love to have.

Another way of looking at things, dear Jess....

~A

.

thanks Anna

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I think I prefer the un-revised version

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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