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hangover

My breakfast coffee tastes like drying mud.
I sip and choke and cough, my eyes all tears.
Last night was fun, I wish I could recall
Just what the hell I drank; sure wasn't beers!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Editing stage: 

Comments

Thanks, Eph . Are we supposed tio crit our own stuff?

Should a small poem be in centimeters?

example; My sister arrived by train and I was centimetre at the station.

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

author comment

trochee DUM da

small difference, it seems, but changes the whole tone of the verse.

This is what we'll see when we convert our Iambic Pentameters in Trochaic Pentameters. It doesn't take much work, but changes the whole sound.

Anapest and Dactyl are three syllable feet, we'll get to them later.

cheers,
Jess
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A pun master. Be afraid. Be very afraid. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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My break/fast coff/ee tastes/ like dry/ing mud.

I sip /and choke /and cough,/ my eyes/ all tears.

Last night /was fun,/ I wish /I could/ recall /

Just what/ the hell/ I drank/ after/ those beers

just one tiny thing after

See how it breaks the meter?

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes except Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

also Americans stress recall differently to Brits

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes except Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
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...I will say that I accent AF- ter thus. I think the other way is unacceptable, but as I explained, I am an American and prone to foolishness as is my entire nation. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Sharpened up your meter stick didn't ya,
and had fun doing it, or at least the night
before (lol)

thanks Tam, it seems almost perfect to my
ear.

Fun poem on a not-so-fun-hangover.

It seems to me that an extra word would make it *sound better*.

,

My breakfast coffee tastes like [[dried out]] mud.
I sip and choke and cough, my eyes all tears.
Last night was fun, I wish I could recall
Just what the hell I drank after [[all]] those beers

~A

I suppose there's a simultaneous need for meter and ear for poetry.

Last night was fun, I wish I could recall
Just what the hell I drank after [all] those beers.

But I know

My break/fast coff/ee tastes/ like dried/ out mud.
I sip /and choke /and cough,/ my eyes /all tears.
Last night /was fun,/ I wish /I could/ recall
Just what /the hell/ I drank /after all/ those beers

but hear how the break in meter in the last line still jarrs slightly to the ear?

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes except Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

keep getting double posts when I use advanced formatting for the Bold function

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes except Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

"after that beer." wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Hope ya'll don't mind me dropping in. This poem pretty clearly illustrates the play and pay thing lol. Seems all these technical terms being used are simply words used to describe different orders of accented syllables. Like all trades a language has been brought into being in order to describe in one word what might take a paragraph to convey in plain language. Like in construction, one could say a vertical spaced support member contained within a wall which bears a load from above. Or simply wall stud.................stan

that's precisely why I'm using the terminology. It doesn't take much to learn and it's more concise and precise in expression

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes except Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Just what the hell I drank; sure wasn't beers!

Or is it something else?

Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

author comment

When I taught dance and as I teach horseback riding, the terminology is critical so I don't spend inordinate amounts of time trying to explain (as Scribbler superbly did) a simple concept. The terms allow us to skip through lengthy explanations quick so that we may discuss what is important. Like art.
The concepts being discussed in this workshop are essential to ANY poet be he the lowest free verse addict or the most high born traditionalist (did I let something slip there?).
I'm in it for the long haul.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Another futile attempt, I fear.....................

Breakfast consists of coffeee, might it take
Taste of a skunk's ass from my dried-out tongue?
Have I been licking armpit of a snake?
Or sucking Voodoo juice for far too long?

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

author comment

this is a tough exercise, just focus on one of them.
Did you see my comment on the workshop page about gerunds and present participles?
Also Google 'trochaic meter examples'
it's the stress at the start and unstressed at the end of the line that gives trochaic it's distinctive sound

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes except Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

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