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Grieving stalled

I still have your number in my phone,
I re-read our letters every night I come home.
I've checked a thousand times to see if you've called,
But the final stage of grieving is only being stalled.
I still smell your cologne every now and then,
When I do it's very faint and thin.
It's like a part of you still remains with me,
Only I cannot see.
I stare out the window hoping I see you walk up the driveway,
But yet I only see the end of another day.
A soft voice wakes me in the middle of the night,
A slight comfort it brings but also a slight fright.
I hear you while I work, I think of you while I play,
I remember you as i drift off to sleep,
And the silly things you would say.
You always knew how to make me laugh,
Even though we made each other cry,
In the end we wiped each others tears dry.
You were my lover, My friend, my everything,
You could make the clouds and the trees sing.
Everything unravels like a ball of yarn being dropped,
My heart beats slow and cold like it's being stopped.
I find it hard to breath when I think about you,
I find it hard to think when I breath without you too.
Your shirts still hang amongst mine in the bedroom,
I sleep with one beside me but this only brings saddened gloom.
I know you are with the angels but I am with the demons tonight,
Because my sweetheart is no longer in my sight.
I rip up weeds from beside your gravestone,
I lay flowers down and know I'm all alone.
Sing with the angels my dear and fly high,
One day I will no longer sigh.
When I join you in the heavens we will fly together

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

I think you have the first draft of a very good poem Nichole, It needs a bit of work to bring it together. I feel it needs softened up, now it sounds to much like a statement. These are only my thoughts after reading it twice, please wait to hear what others may think. I will come back later and see how this poem develops, because i think it could be very good. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

this is the worst of self-demeaning love poetry. Get over it. Find your grrrrl power.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Enjoy Neopoet!

author comment

my mouth.

I read this late, tired and reacted to a different poem than the one actually written.
It is sad, haunting and perhaps the feelings it successfully evoked provoked my violent reaction.

I do agree it could do with some tightening up for scansion

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

It's okay I wasn't upset or insulted by the strong words you used. It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers. Do not worry yourself but I do appreciate the fact you informed me of this, so I thank you. I'm growing more and more love for Neopoet and I hope you are as well. I hope you have a great day.
Thank you.
Sincerely Nichole

author comment

honestly i felt very touched by the sentiment expressed about a loved one ..i could feel the craving...the mood....the void...and the hope all strung nicely.i believe spontaneously...and when that happens the words just flow out unabated like a burst of tears and emotions...i find it very expressive ...

raj (sublime_ocean)

It is my greatest pleasure to please my readers. Not everyone liked this poem. Although you cannot please everyone all the time. But it is always wonderful to know a reader likes your writing. Thank you soo very much for reading it and thank you for your kind words. I always appreciate it!!!

Hugs and love.
Nichole

author comment

I easily sense the want to delay confronting loss. You seem to be undecided what form you want to use here. I would suggest dividing into rhyming quatrains and maintaining rhyme throughout or using less rhyme and going closer to free verse and still using stanza breaks to ease reading. Just a few thoughts you might consider........stan

I will consider your advice, Thank you Stan. I hope you enjoyed it even though it's not perfect yet. Not that any of mine are perfect lol. Again thank you. Have a great day.

Sincerely Nichole

author comment

I am with Roscoe on this one: a good rough draft, but it needs work, particularly on cadence and rhythm. Your language is good though, and I like your rhymes here, they're pretty good too, but the varying length of the lines tends to throw me off a little.
The theme is very overworked as well; lots and lots and LOTS of poetry about dead loved ones! But you've done a good job in presenting your grief and inability to move on, in this poem.
I like it quite a bit.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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