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Flaneur (with vid)

Once I glanced
freely all about
what I saw determined what I was.

If the streets were full of pretty girls,
if the sky and clouds remarked,
if my feet propelled themselves,
I knew I was alright.

If everyone was ugly,
and oily skies roiled
and everywhere was uphill
then clearly not.

My city, our city, is not mine
or yours, nor ours or their's
it is as is
but not as need be
each step,
each glance
becomes a need
for action.

Video- https://youtu.be/TWcFpBAQ6KQ

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
flâneur- a person who walks the city in order to experience it
Editing stage: 

Comments

Great title! I just had to look it up. It added to my reading pleasure. Made for good subject matter. I like where it took me. My favorite lines are:

Now, flaneur, released I wander
and make of it what I will.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I've been in love with and related to the concept of flaneur for many years and wanted to write a poem about it and today it just arrived! I looked around bewildered, nothing seemed very different. I guess it just had a long gestation period [grins]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

Might have to come back to this one.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

Try, flaneur set free, i will return to wander and make of it what i will... got to rush loved this piece..Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

I shall return to wander.. Sorry this time got to rush Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

it has so much to say really for the size of it

'If everyone was ugly,
and oily skies roiled
and everywhere was uphill ' - i really like these lines - very descriptive

'Now, flaneur, released I wander
and make of it what I will'
- can i suggest
'Now i wander with renewed flaneur
and make of it what I will'

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

not just change the wording. Oh and that wouldn't be a correct use of flaneur, it is a type of person, a particular, not abstract or descriptive noun.

Thanks, yes, the first part I'm very happy with.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

to check the dictionary lol... - thought it was an adjective :)

i like that you have taken it out of the poem altogether and just left it as the title - much more effective

not sure of all the 'ors' and 'nors' in the last stanza
- maybe you don't need most of them.... and if you think you do... maybe one or the other ??

- i'm liking how the finish is shaping...
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Hi Elfy, interesting poem from a crucible of an interesting life. In some circles, that would be a curse. ;-)

I see you find the ending a bit problematic. Many times, the ending is perfect, but just needs to be rearranged, so to speak.

Try this on for size:

Released, I the flaneur in me, wander about,
make my own way through.
(Or make of it what I will). [keeping your original line)

is getting there

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

flaneur is just a way to intellectualise dudes who dig walking round in cities, cos you see, the French don't like being called bums. [grins]

thanks lonnie

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

My city, our city, is not mine
or yours, nor ours or there's
it is as I, we, are and will be
never then nor now or must be
only is, really
each step,
each glance

Great stuff Elf!! Bravo to you. I will come back in the morrow of the morning to take a second read and comment then on those last lines perhaps so yes.

but make sure you come back! I've seen you promise that a lot lately when leaving... comments, and sometimes you don't.

I would prefer one harsh, instant impression critique to a considered comment.

No how much that bullshit slogan "A family of poets" you believe in, critique is all, comments are idle chat.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

I do try to get back and when I do I do. I am neither perfecto. Magics Grins. Some poems are longer and need more consideration as the canto's I am still pouring over if that is what you mean. Secondly I am glad you are following me around to make sure I am returning comments. You say comments are idle chat but you do the same thing. grins. all the back and forth eh elf?

nor ours or( there's) would be there is and junks the flow

nor ours or theirs?

it is as I, we, are and will be
never then nor now or must be
only is, really
each step,
each glance

deleted rest of my comments, Not worth my time here.

Nor are you following me.
I think you go where the action is, so you can pretend to be not involved in the drama then lay a trite motherly homily over it.

I try not to give comments, I give critique. Though I admit I freely engage in banter where it is interesting.

'nor ours or( there's) would be there is and junks the flow'
It's called enjambment, the grammar is included in the previous line.

Yes I know that last bit is tricky grammaticly, but I it serves my purpose in meter and meaning.

Oh, I did un-earth a bit of a bomb with my comment on the site's slogan (look under Neopoet at the top of the page, it says 'A family of poets"). You are quite right and you did not disappoint me, I had no right to assume you would like that slogan any more than I do. I want it changed. A community of poets, perhaps a tribe of poets. I dislike family because of its association with extreme right wing 'family values' political leanings. And a host of other reasons I won't go into just yet.

Most things can be changed with determination and effort if we care enough.

Peace, sister.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

Oh now Elf get a gripe) or is it spelled grip:)

I do not pretend s)(*t
I don't like drama
I am not trite (far from it)
I am motherly (very)
I do not do homilies (althought I love to listen to a good one)
I do not do action figures (unless of course it is with my young 'ens)
I love a good moral to a story.
I am a family gal (MY family always number one)
I am not an attention seeker
I am me, accept me
or not

Should know me a wee bit better by now eh Elfie? Some of your gruff running some thin lines eh? You know, we all know, and on and on He goes.

I also know who thrives on" THE BIG ATTENTION."
1:15am
deleted the rest of my comments. Not worth my time any longer.

Done

you could be right. I'll come back to this.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

It's supposed to be sort of existential in style and that could give a 'stuck' feeling. Yes perhaps as if the narrator were not questioning his situation, however he now feels less stuck. Not solipsisticly imposing his inner state on his environment, but accepting it as it is.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

and am now finally happy with it...
I think

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

Yup, that was true. Only issue with this piece was

"My city, our city, is not mine
or yours, nor ours or there's
it is as is..."

Was it deliberate, or should the "there's" read "their's"?
Overall, the poem is simple and quite beautiful. A good and easy read.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

Thanks for spotting that! I am chagrined, I hate it when other people consistently make that error. I will fix it forthwith.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

Thank you for sharing your poem. I love it.
I am not sure how to comment, please help me and tell what you would like to hear.
I like that it is balanced very well,

On one hand,
pretty girls, sky and clouds, feet propelling themselves,
the precise counterbalance
ugliness, oily sky, everywhere uphill (brilliant metaphor).

The last part has a marching rhythm as if its sound dictates the content. Repetition works:

My city, our city, is not mine
or yours, nor ours or their's
it is as is.

The last words are a great resolution:
each step,
each glance
becomes a need
for action.

I can relate to it, I recognize the feeling and glad that it caught in words. That is what poetry is about. From the continuum of colors, sounds, smells, sensations and heart aches to find one and unravel.
You did it well, man.
There are many levels in the poem. I can talk about that too. But better yet just read it again.

IRiz

I feel you have understood it perfectly.
We are all part of any environment we are in and responsible/accountable for how it feels.

Yes, I hope i wasn't too obvious with that marching rhythm, it was not so much a call to arms as a call to care.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

No the rhythm calls for not war but action.
It is very energetic.
There are many layers in the poem.
Let me name a few,
The observer influence the reality.
The reality asks for action.
The observer can only see through his own eyes,
so you see what you deserve but you can change it.
There is no ultimate correct reflection of reality, changing it and changing the observer's heart are equally important.

IRiz

like I said, you got it,

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

Reading the stream of comments makes me wonder where Candlewitch. Magics and Judyanne have disappeared...hoping they are all well and just occupied with life...
............................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

sometimes it is our fault, often mine.
I thought cat was still about, maybe she changed her username.Like wise Judyanne.

Magics was a welcome departure. She once used the word beautiful seven times in a poem about her grand-daughter dancing, not just a hopelessly illiterate poet but unwilling to learn. She was only here for the tea and scones and to evangelise Chrisitianity..

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

with a video and does invite us in.
Like many others especially the title -great find.
I like the your poem very much, but am trying to wrap my head around the resolution. The mood of the city defines you, the look of the people...and the city belongs to no one. In the end this inspires you to a call of non action... Is it to just be in the moment, to embrase it all? that's the feeling I''m left with, but the poem is very concerete until the end.

..not as need be
each step,
each glance
becomes a need
for action.

action implies verb, and it's NOT as need be each step...becomes a need for action. The negative word (not) changes everything from passive to active in the poem which feels interactive to me...
But after all the poem has been through, let it remain a puzzle. There must be some time to which a poem is done, and there should be no revisions.

allow me to share this poem, a cityscape type poem..

A Face in the Crowd

In the flood of faces gushing from turnstiles
Each of us sees the other with vacant eyes

Acknowledging we have seen and not seen
Though one another’s mask, each with a task

Known to our silence, deep in thought or dream;
How some faces speak so humbly of desire

Longing for the palpitating heart on fire;
How the old hide their scars of aging romance

While the young boast their youthful staging;
Unrehearsed is our chance meeting

Like two plain roses in a field of wildflowers,
Telling the tales of our roots and lonely hours

Below the dizzying mass of icy towers.
We memorize our reflections as a mirror,

Our faces not afraid to stare, to praise, be nearer.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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