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Fields of Wildflowers

Dance in the arms of the devil tonight
You’re lost in the shadows, kept out of sight
You followed him through the back door
Where I found you, looking for more

You sat on the cold concrete
You let his hands search and creep
You lay in his arms, he sings
“You could be everything…”

And oh, does god have a sound?
Like a child laughing loud,
Or the birds singing this morning
But no; everything means ‘everything’
And you wake up alone, discarded as nothing

You strapped your heels and walked down the stairs
Clicking your way past the dirty glares
Oh, these men you thought you knew
They’re nothing the same as you

The handsome soul you met last night
Is nothing the kind in the light
Bag in hand, you walk home a disaster
Crying “love, won’t you come any faster?”

And oh, where did you hide?
For those days you laid and cried,
You raise your eyes to cooing doves
But no; you removed your tongue
To be alone, with the one you love

You sat in the fields of wildflowers
Hands stretching out over all their colors
You were the pollen to his heart one time,
But no; now you’re just a sound…

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

I enjoyed the loose rhyme scheme which seemed to ebb and flow with the subject. Sometimes clean and solid, sometimes a bit more ethereal as if to drive a point. I wasn't as crazy about your meter though. I'm all for breaking with a consistent meter to throw a line into counterpoint, but there were too many. And probably even more important, much of the poem uses an excellent sense of meter which draws too much attention to those lines that deviate.
The subject is superlative. I'm partial to "dark" poetry, so you had me at the get go. If there is any suggestion I would make it would be that the woman's place in the life of the narrator is perhaps too much inferred. Were this mine I might try to clarify that relationship a little, but I don't think it's critical to the success of the poem.
You mention that the poem is a rough draft. If so it is worthy of going on. Again, if it were mine I would clean up some of the meter problems just to give a more consistent reading, leave the rhyme scheme as is and (maybe) clarify the woman's place in this a little.
I generally don't comment on poems I don't like as I don't like shmoozing poets with faint praise. I like this poem.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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for the valuable criticism, it is much appreciated. i took some time to tinker with the meter, it has never been my strong suit however. i also adjusted the narrator/subject relationship, i hope this flows and reads better. i should have spent some more time on this before posting it.
please let me know what you think of the revision.
thanks again!

-with what love could be...

Washing Tears

author comment

I'm not the best one to ask as I'm sort of a meter/rhyme junkie. A closet perfectionist I have been called, so I tend to hear the tiniest deviations. Not very "modern" of me, but what can I say. This still could use work on the meter by my sensibilities, but I think the poem works very well anyway. As for spending more time before posting, I disagree. Most of these websites (and Neo particularly) serve the purpose of honing what we create. I myself wish I could get more brutal criticism of my poetry to make it stronger, but I write such long stuff and my epic uses a sort of faux medieval style that most poets can't get past the language. So I wallow alone.
I'll look in on some of your other stuff later if that's acceptable.
I don't always have the best suggestions, but I figure anything can be used by us if we're willing.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

My good friend washing, I'm glad you're listening. You won't get better critique anywhere, even from me.
So I have nothing to add.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I know I shouldn't, I'm only trying to help everyone, but when you re-post the poem re-written it is hard for the poet to see the exact differences. If instead you quote each line where you suggest a change and offer suggestions at the end, it is more useful.
eg,
blah bloh woof weef [perhaps bleh instead of bloh]
cheers

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

i appreciate any help from anyone about my writings! any criticism is helpful to me. in any manner as well! i really do appreciate the effort you put in your critique xena! it means a lot to me that you spent time on it!
jess, thank you as well for your comment, its good to hear from you again!
thanks to everyone, i will keep you all posted on any revisions that are made!

-with what love could be...

Washing Tears

author comment
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