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Enchantment

Stars faltered,
pausing in swift westward march
across the cloud-stained moonless sky
when I halted, eager on the edge of forest
between the fitful graze of starlight
and shadows' brooding touch.

I listened, straining for another drift of music
through still and silent trees,
and found that trace of utter passion
still skirling hushed yet unrelenting,
urgent in both thought and flesh,

and when I found her deep within
a soundless darkness stars
nor moon could ever shine away
she smiled, pale nakedness and fiery hair,
wetted lips and perfect breasts,
narrow waist and welcoming hips.

I saw doom within her eyes,
a century of helpless lust,
a dance enchanted and enslaved
before I could ever walk again
the paths of ordinary men
yet I stepped forward
shedding clothes and every doubt
for I no longer cared.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Don't like this much, I've tried and tried to get it right but I think that its a dud. I don't do hardly any fantasy, but I thought I'd revisit this one, and see if I could make it work
Editing stage: 

Comments

Spring got the old juices flowing does it? lol. very intense and visual. Only ideas I can come up with : comma after eager , change doom to fate (unless you intend to hint at a negative thing) Also learned a new word, "skirling" which I shall now look up meaning of. My advice is a cold shower lmao...............stan

LOL @ Cold Shower.
Too late.

Glad you liked this.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

for your kind comment

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

shedding clothes, and every doubt. That's the way i end this, though i still think it's a terrific poem. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Glad you enjoyed it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I cant believe I missed this till now, I am with Stan there is a sensuousness and rawness that screams from this poem, I thoroughly enjoyed the read, you said you don't think you have gotten it right, I don't think you have gotten much wrong, I will take a copy and have a play with it tonight

see what I cant offer to help maybe, I really love this Bro.

see you tomorrow night ;)

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I wrote this after reading an article about Thomas the Rhymer. Although he only spent seven years in Elfland, and not a century. I thought a century was a better duration.

I don't think that the female depicted here is, shall we say, evil enough? Although evil isn't really the right word, more like ammorally amused, because she knows what she's doing, if that makes any sense.

I'm looking forward to seeing what you make of it!

>>hugs back<<

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I couldn't find much to suggest but I have offered some alternatives here if you would like more just ask its a pleasure working on your poems the ideas never fail to come the theme is that good :)

and when I found her deep within
a soundless darkness stars --- the soundless dark of stars
nor moon could ever shine away---no moon could ever shine away
she smiled, pale nakedness and fiery hair,---she smiled, impure nakedness and cerise hair
wetted lips and perfect breasts,
narrow waist and welcoming hips.

I saw doom within her eyes,--- I saw doom swimming in her eyes
a century of helpless lust,
a dance enchanted and enslaved
before I could ever walk again
the paths of ordinary men
yet I stepped forward
shedding clothes and every doubt---shredding clothes and every doubt
for I no longer cared.

((((((((hugs))))))))

love Jayne xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I tried all of your suggestions, but they seem to make the poem too wordy. Too 'prosaic", as Jess might say.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

have you read Tolkien?
In case you haven't (and this story is ancient Angle-Saxon stuff), in the Silmarillion is the tale of Thingol and Melian.
You might want to Google it.
He was an Elf Lord, she was one of the lesser gods. When she bewitched him (a good bewitching) they at first stood for thousands of years gazing into each others eyes (before moving on and ruling like a good King and Queen).

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Do bears defecate in forests?
Is the sky blue?
Is the moon made of green cheese?
Oh, wait, no it isn't!

:D

I cut my teeth on Tolkien, my friend. Did my sixth-year studies english class in high school on an analysis of his work compared to Celtic/Germanic myth and legend. When my family went to see the Lord of The Rings movies, and now the Hobbit movies too, I spent the entire time comparing the films to the books, telling my wife what was missing, what was different from the book, and what was spot on - like the Uruk-Hai commander standing on the spire of rock before the gates of Helm's Deep, surrounded by his army in the slash of lightening and the driving rain! Right out of the Two Towers. It gave me goosebumps, it was so good.

Heehee.

I have read every shred of fiction Tolkien produced, and quite a bit of his academic writings too. A brilliant man, I would say a genius.

Yes I know about Thingol and Melian. Luthien Tinuviel was their daughter, the fairest elven maiden of the Elder Days, and the story of her choosing mortality for the love of Beren One-handed is one of the great sadnesses and joys of the Silmarillion.

Thanks Wes

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Did you notice how Jackson changed the scene in the movie where Aragorn told Frodo to go on with the ring by himself. That pissed me off so much! Some of the flaws were forgivable, but not that. The ring was Aragorn's responsibility. He would never have sent something so powerful off into Mordor in the hands of a tiny, little insignificant hobbit no matter how valiant... sorry. The opportunity to vent that to someone who can understand has been a burning desire... better now.
I just finished his translation of Arthur, but my favorite stuff (besides the Elder Edda) are The Lost Tales. It's like hearing legends about something real you understand.
My favorite piece of literature in all the world is Narn I Chin Hurin, the alliterative version. Alas, that it is unfinished. I once memorized the Lay Leithian for fun. The opening is my favorite poetry.
I think I'm gushing.
It's exciting to find a kindred spirit. Not merely someone who has read the "books", but someone who has immersed himself in John himself.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I am not as knowledgeable as you both as I am still immersing in him having found him later in life, I have enjoyed this exchange :) I hope one day to be able to banter with you both lol

Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

when you finish the trilogy you read The Silmarillion.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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